The Final Girl Hall of Fame

Welcome to the Final Girl Hall of Fame! What is this so-called "Hall" of "Fame", you ask? Will there be a televised broadcast of the induction ceremony, hosted by Ellen DeGeneres and Dean Cain? First of all, no...no televised ceremony, sorry. I hope you didn't get too excited over the prospect. Secondly, the Hall of Fame is...a list! That's right! A List! I love a list. Who doesn't? Only jerks don't like lists.

Herein we've got the 10 Scariest Killers in Slasher Movies, according to yours truly. I thought about calling this my 'favorite killers' list or something, but the phrase 'favorite killers' just sounded a little too sick and twisted to me. So here are what I consider to be the scariest killers, based mostly on their appearance, but the way they move, sound, and generally carry on will be taken into consideration as well. The quality and/or scariness of the movies in which they appear has no bearing on inclusion or ranking- the movies themselves could be meh. This is just a list of the slasher psychos who give me the biggest, best heebie jeebies. Without further ado, please welcome the Final Girl Hall of Fame 2006 inductees!

10.

They're creepy and they're kooky...yes, readers, it's the boys from Just Before Dawn. These overgrown inbred brothers are exactly who you don't want to run into on your camping trip. They're not as deformed as the inbred brothers from Wrong Turn, but they don't need to be in order to skeeze me out. They wheeze and they giggle and they've got weird sores and they'll put your clothes on after they kill you. They seem to really get a kick out of killing people who wander into their neck of the woods- seriously ooky, indeed.

9.

One of my favorite slasher flicks from back in the day is My Bloody Valentine. Harry, the vengeful miner out to put the kibosh on the Valentine's Day Dance, has always gotten under my skin. The black miner garb (complete with headlamp, gasmask, and pickaxe) makes Harry look damn threatening as he's stalking the tunnels of the mine. Watch the sequence where he's smashing out lightbulbs with his axe as he moves along the tunnel, enveloping himself in darkness as he goes- and see if I'm not right!

8.

You're probably sick of hearing me go on about this movie by now, but what would a list of my favorite/ most scary things be without a mention of Black Christmas? It certainly wouldn't be complete, I can tell you that. So, nestled in at #8 is Billy, the psycho in the attic who kills off sorority girls one by one, at his leisure. Assuming his name really IS Billy- we never quite know for sure. The picture of him here is about the only time you really see him in the movie, and that's just fine. Look at that eye! This dude is one psycho psycho. I can't really describe for you the phone calls he makes to his intended victims- you've just gotta hear them for yourself. The calls get more frightening and more twisted as the victims pile up, and by the end I'm quaking in my Tims. NOTE: I do not wear Tims.

7.

Poor Cropsy. He just wanted to pass out on his bed in peace after a long night with the bottle, but those damn campers had to try to be funny, and Cropsy ends up burned within an inch of his life. Soon he heals up enough to put on some raggy-looking clothes, grab some giant hedge-clipper/scissor things, and get down to business. The business of killing campers in a movie called The Burning, that is. Cropsy is mighty pissed and he has giant scissors which he will use to cut you up into many tiny pieces. I don't like that in a person, as a rule. People like that frighten me.

6.

In Friday the 13th Part VII, Kane Hodder took over the role of Jason Voorhees, and he really made the character his own. Suddenly, Jason seemed to be 8 feet tall and built like a house ...just huge and imposing ...and damn if he didn't have a purpose. Jason storms around, very intent on getting to his victims, all the while unaware of how gross he's become. He's gooey and almost melting, he's done the "I'm alive- no, I'm dead- no, really, I'm alive" thing so many times. But with Kane Hodder in his squishy shoes, Jason is a force to be reckoned with, and you're simply not going to escape.

5.

Before he became reanimated Super Jason, or Jason in Space, Mrs. Voorhees' boy was just a confused psycho, living in the woods at Crystal Lake with a potato sack covering his disfigured face. Clad in overalls, Jason still didn't fuck around, though- if you were on his turf, well...you wouldn't be for long. This backwoods weirdo Jason from Friday the 13th Part II creeps me out, from his shanty hut with the mom shrine to his one eyeball peering at me through the sack. Put the pitchfork down, Jason. Listen to mommy! That's a good boy, Jason.

4.

One yellow rain slicker + one weird, vaguely see- through mask with makeup on it = Fuck. That. Noise. This ensemble, sported by the killer in Alice, Sweet Alice, is seriously frightening. I don't even like looking at it.

3.

You know what? The first 15 minutes or so of Scream comprise one of my favorite scenes from any slasher flick. C'mon readers, think back to that time, before horror movies became all ironic and "too cool" to actually be scary...before Scary Movie played this up for laughs. Think back- you know Ghost Face scared the hell outta you the first time you saw him. You can't lie to me! The moment during the phone conversation, when he tells Drew Barrymore that he can see her, was devastating. Catching that glimpse of Ghost Face running by the window behind her- I could feel the tension in the movie theatre when I saw this flick. People were scared. When he chased down poor Drew, all in slow motion, black robe flying and knife raised, I was completely terrified. Way to go, Wes Craven!

2.

Curtains is a little-known slasher flick from 1983. As movies in this genre go, it's pretty standard fare- but the mask the killer wears is simply beyond eerie. If you talk to someone who's seen Curtains, without a doubt, they'll mention the ice skating scene- the highlight of the movie. A young woman is out on the ice, doing her thing early one morning. She finds a creepy doll buried beneath the snow, and then begins a magnificent sequence- one of the best in all slasherhood (I think I made that word up, but go with it). The killer, dressed entirely in black, wearing a hag mask, and wielding a scythe, skates intently toward the young woman. She raises the scythe...and you know the rest. It's all done in slow motion, and the scene takes place in bright, broad daylight- a great touch- proving that you don't need the darkness to create terror. Once you see this scene, it'll never leave you- and neither will that face.

1.

Is there any doubt as to who'd be at the top? Call me predictable, but of course, it's The Boogeyman himself. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Halloween's Michael Myers! Yes, The Shape from the first Halloween (OK, maybe a bit from Part II...) is the one who kept me awake many a night as a kid, and who still has me looking over my shoulder when I'm alone at night as an adult. Nick Castle, who had the role in the first movie, was almost graceful in his movements- very threatening and commanding, yet ethereal and fluid at the same time. There's a quietness about him here, and you never know where he is at any given time. He doesn't stomp around- you only hear him breathe. The expressionless white mask with the darkened eyeholes is the stuff of nightmares. Somehow, in all the subsequent Halloween flicks, they managed to fuck up the mask every single time. The shape of it changed, the amount of hair on it changed so much that Michael Myers ended up looking like a dorky, pasty-faced troll doll by Part 6. None of the subsequent actors in the role could match Castle's movements, and Michael Myers went from being The Boogeyman to being a weird chubby guy in a jumpsuit. It's a shame, really, because even after 25 years, the original is still so terrifying.

So there you have it, folks! feel free to chime in with your OWN choices. Tomorrow I'll be running a list that's the evil twin to this one: the slasher killers who aren't scary whatsoever. Now that's a good time.

Remember, my Silent Hill 2 Giveaway Contest ends tomorrow, Friday the 13th (yikes!) at 11:59pm EST! Many will enter, but only one will win! Will it be you? Who knows. Miss Cleo might know, but I think she's on the lam.