It's a Hard Knock Life

I'm going to blame poor business practices for the fact that today I had to sit through Terror at Tenkiller (1986). How's that gonna work, you ask? Well, let me explain.

Media Play, a chain of stores that sells DVDs, CDs, books, and toys, has priced themselves right out of business. While they did occasionally have a cheap movie here and there, or a good sale, the regular prices on their DVDs were in the $30 range. Who in their right mind would spend that kind of money for a movie when you can get it much cheaper anywhere else? Well, no one would, that's who. And so, shortly before Christmas, Media Play began to put everything in the store on sale: the chain is closing its doors forever. They began discounting items about 10%, which isn't that great, considering the original prices. Soon enough, though, they marked everything down to 60% off, which is much more attractive. At these low low prices, I found myself picking up things I wouldn't have otherwise...like the "Slasher Classic 2-Pack" featuring that turd I can still smell today, The Last Slumber Party, and today's stinker, Terror at Tenkiller. I got both movies for about $3, which, quite frankly, is still too high. I paid a much higher price than that for watching these- I lost many tiny little pieces of my soul in the process.

As much as I loathed The Last Slumber Party, it did have one advantage over today's movie. It was so bad that I was actually somewhat intrigued to see how bad it could get. My hatred, nay- my rage at how bad The Last Slumber Party eventually got to be was actually somehow energizing. Terror at Tenkiller was bad, and oh, ever-so-boring. I was really struggling to stay awake during this one. If nothing else, I'm proud of my endurance.

This is the story of two college students (by 'college' students I mean 'clearly they were too old to be undergrads years ago') who head to Lake Tenkiller for the summer. Lesley (Stacy Logan) is going to escape her abusive boyfriend, while Janna (Michelle Merchant) is going to revisit her childhood hangout and have a good time.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. There's lots of conversations between the two girls, wherein Lesley acts all wishy-washy about her guy while Janna tells her to grow some sac and kick him to the curb. There's a weird local guy named Tor, yes, TOR, who I imagine is supposed to be some sort of dreamboat despite his lack of a personality and his bad skin. Oh, and Tor has a bad habit of killing people as well.

This flick left me so lethargic that I haven't the energy to go into a blow-by-blow breakdown of everything terrible about it. But, a few highlights for you:

- The dialogue is almost completely dubbed. Dubbing is fine when it's done competently...NOT when it's recorded inside a tin can, inside a closet, underground.
- The soundtrack was clearly recorded by one man with a Casio. I imagine he was wearing a blazer with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows and a skinny tie while he plonked away at the keys.
- A lesson to aspiring filmmakers: when you use a body double in a film, keep in mind that the term is "BODY double". In one scene, Janna enters a room to change into a bikini. In the room, she takes off her top to change. We see side boob, and note that her boobs have grown exponentially since she walked through the door. However, we also see her head and face, and the magical doorway has somehow also made her hair 6 inches longer and changed her facial structure. Then she goes back outside, and it's the same ol' Janna.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need a nap. The Last Slumber Party/Terror at Tenkiller 2-pack...hmm...I smell another giveaway contest...

I give this 2 out of 10 magical doorways. Peeeee-yoooooou!