92% off topic

Folks, it's time for me to talk a bit about my obsession. No, silly- I don't mean doing blow on the bellies of strippers, I'm talking about my other obsession. The cheaper one. That's right, I'm talking about Dallas, the glorious nighttime soap that ran from the late 70s through the 80s. I'm talking about the saga of the Ewing clan, their never-ending feud with the Barnes clan...money, oil, greed, cowboy hats, and big hair. Dallas, baby! Let's face it- Dynasty may have had Joan Collins and Krystle's giant shoulder pads, but Blake Carrington was but a pale imitation of the man the world loved to hate, J.R. Ewing.

Seasons 1-4 have been released on DVD, and when I get a new one in my clutches, it's really difficult for me to do anything else but watch it. Those discs must be laced with some sort of visual crack or something...I'm seriously addicted. Rachael and I have marathon sessions watching it, and I think if I could go without sleep I'd watch an entire season in a sitting. Yeah, it's that bad.

Why am I talking about Dallas here? First of all, because I want to, dammit. It's my blog! Nyah! Secondly, if you read the comments sections of these posts, you'd know that a few days back a reader gave me the following info:

HEADED TO DALLAS: Per Variety, 20th Century Fox's big-screen version of CBS' Dallas picking up steam with John Travolta being eyed to play J.R. Ewing, Jennifer Lopez in the role of Sue Ellen Ewing, Owen Wilson as Bobby Ewing and Shirley MacLaine playing Miss Ellie Ewing

My thoughts on this? Well, let's just say that Shirley MacLaine is the only name worthy of being on that list. I summed up my feelings on the matter thusly:

...that cast is just so awful it makes me want to go back in time and abort myself.

It's true, dear readers. John Travolta...Jennifer Lop---no. I'm not going to do this to myself. It's completely out of my hands, right? Right.

After I'd made my thoughts on the Dallas movie clear, I was challenged: what would Final Girl's dream cast for the Dallas movie be? And you know, I spent all last night thinking about it...yes, I did. It's sad but true. I'm really bad at those "dream cast" type things, and I just could not think of anybody appropriate to play anybody. And then- poof! A little tiny lightbulb went off in my little tiny brain, and suddenly it was all clear.

What if I cast the Dallas movie using- exclusively!- actors who have been in horror films?

It was that easy- the characters just fell into line. Yeah, there's age differences and all, but I don't care. Just go with it, people. So here you have it:

DALLAS STARRING ACTORS WHO HAVE BEEN IN HORROR MOVIES!

First up, we've got the patriarch Jock Ewing- the rough and tumble cowboy who started an oil dynasty. Obviously, Charles Napier (Silence of the Lambs, Body Bags) is quite a good match...both he and Jock have a fondness for cowboy hats and large necklaces.

While Shirley MacLaine is a pretty good choice to portray 'mama'- that's Miss Ellie Southworth Ewing to you, scumbag- I think Julie Harris (The Haunting, Home for the Holidays) would be even better. She's already got ties to the series, as those of you as pathetic as me know that Harris portrayed Val's mother on the Dallas spin-off Knots Landing.

And now we begin with the Ewing children. Without a doubt, Ewing Oil president J.R. Ewing was the toughest character to cast. Who could turn on a dime from conniving to charming? Just who could aptly portray the sissy-boy who's gotten loads of power? The best I could do is Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator, From Beyond). Jeffrey could sweet-talk the ladies one minute and be pure scheming evil the next.

To play Sue Ellen Ewing, J.R.'s long-suffering (but enough of a bitch in her own right) wife, you need a woman who's believable as a former Miss Texas who's now a drunken mess. That woman? Adrienne Barbeau. If you don't believe me, watch her turn as Wilma in Creepshow. And yes, that's Sue Ellen's mug shot! God, I love Dallas!

Bobby Ewing's got a temper, but he's basically a good guy trying to deal with his controlling family- especially his loutish brother J.R. Who would I like to see step into Patrick Duffy's afro? Why, 80s horror mainstay Peter Barton (Friday the 13th Part IV, Hell Night), of course.

To portray Bobby's super-foxy wife Pamela Barnes Ewing, I figured you could go two ways.
If you want to bring in the younger crowd, cast Eliza Dushku (Wrong Turn) in the role. She's foxy enough, but then I'm not sure her acting range extends beyond one facial expression. And lemme tell ya, Pam's emotional range really runs the gamut, from "I lost the baby!" to "Should I cheat on Bobby?" to "Bobby's dead!" to "I hate you, J.R.!". Can Eliza fill Victoria Principal's big...err...shoes?

Another decent choice for the character would be Catherine Zeta-Jones (The Haunting). I think her name was being bandied about back when there were first rumblings about a Dallas movie...she'd be a pretty good fit. But can she capture that raised-in-the-oil-fields tomboyish side of Pam? Hmm? Well, can she??

Lucy Ewing, granddaughter of Jock and Miss Ellie, niece of Bobby and J.R., has had a rough life. She's barely in college, yet she's been engaged to a man who turned out to be gay, she's had a serious problem with "goofballs", she's been a drunk, she's been mean, she's been sexing it up. Again, I give you two choices. First up, the obvious choice, PJ Soles (Halloween, Carrie). I mean...totally. The braids have it.

The woman I'd really like to see as Lucy would be a hell of a lot more fun, though- oh yeah, I'm talkin' bout Linnea Quigley (Return of the Living Dead). I don't care if Lucy's supposed to be about 22 and Linnea Quigley is approximately 400. She would rock! I bet she'd show her boobs. Oh- and that's not a typo. I meant four hundred.

Who, oh who could play Kristen, Sue Ellen's slutty little sister? As you well know, she's the one who bedded J.R. and then shot him when he grew tired of her and cast her aside. Last I saw her, in the Season 4 cliffhanger, she was floating in the Ewing pool, just as dead as you please. Who could float face down in a pool as well as Alicia Silverstone (The Crush)? Maybe Laurence Olivier or someone of that caliber, but he's a dude. And he's really dead.

As ranch foreman and bastard child of Jock Ewing, Ray Krebbs has had his share of horses and women. Not in the same way, you sicko! Matthew McConaughey (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation) has the easy-going cowboy charm that would make him a perfect Ray- who, as far as I know, beds women exclusively. Sheesh.

And lastly, we come to Donna Culver Krebbs, the society broad who fell in love with cowboy Ray. They're from two different worlds- will they ever make it together? Will their love beat the odds? Donna's totally a 2nd-tier character, but when there's a chance to cast Amy Steel (Friday the 13th Part 2, April Fool's Day) in a role, you just gotta jump at it. You feel me?

And there you go- my dream cast for Dallas, made up entirely of actors from horror movies. It's certainly better than John Travo----no. Let's end this on a nice note, shall we?

I have spent entirely too much time on this idea.