The Return 2: The Returnening

It's 100% true! After a lengthy sojourn to see all the glittery sights that Los Angeles has to offer, I'm back in my humble abode where the cheese and the laugh lines are totally allowed. 'Twas a magical time on yon Olde Weste Coaste, and as much as the daily drudgery faced when a vacation ends depresses, it's nice to hang out with my pussy posse again.

What? I'm talking about my cats.

So. I'm going to pretend you all care and you're simply dying to get verbal slide show of my vacation. Alright, alright, quiet down and I'll fill you in.

I went roller skating! And I didn't even fall down once! Not to say I wasn't wobbly, and I'm afraid my days of shooting the duck are over. It was super swell fun. The crowd was very surprising- lots of people who are really, really good and really, really not who you'd expect to see on roller skates...like the Ed Asner lookey-likey. It was unfuckingcanny, people. This dude in baggy "cool" jeans would go zipping by, all weaving and whatnot...then he'd flip around and he looked exactly like Ed Asner. EXACTLY. It was very, very, very disturbing, and I don't think there was one time I saw his face that I didn't laugh. I mean, a roller skating Ed Asner is comedy gold, you know? But don't worry- I'm subtle and he never suspected a thing.

I watched TV! Which may not seem like a big deal to you, but the wonders of cable were simply...wonderful. I got sucked into a marathon of America's Next Top Model like nobody's business. It was guilt-free decadence, I tells ya.

I watched Alice! Which is sort of weird, but every night I stayed at Amanda by Night's house, I would surreptitiously put on this Alice DVD she has. Why? What possessed me? Memories, I suppose, of watching the show when I was home sick from school. I used to love the show, and I really thought Vera's dim-witted quips were the height of hystericalosity. And now? Suffice it to say, the show sucks. I never made it through an entire episode without falling asleep. I heard "Kiss my grits!", which would induce roaring fits of laughter in the audience, as would Vera's aforementioned quips. You see, to an 8-year-old, "GI Bill? Isn't that a doll they make for kids?" might be side-splitting. To a 58-year-old, however, it is not. The theme song still rocks, however, and the fact that they made a sitcom based on a Scorsese film is curious, indeed.

I went to the Tar Pits! Ah, yes, the La Brea Tar Pits. I don't know what I was expecting, really, but it wasn't what I got. I think I was expecting a swamp filled with bubbling primordial ooze and huge plants and dragonflies bigger than my head. What I got was some fenced off black ponds in the middle of a very urban area. It was still cool, but like I said, not like I expected. Just like that time I found "Indian Mounds" on a map and drove to them all excitedly. I was expecting something like Pet Sematary but instead it was just some grassy bumps.

I did touristy things! Like a hike up by the Hollywood sign and a walk down Hollywood Boulevard to Mann's Chinese Theatre. Did you know that Martin Lawrence has a cement square in front of the theatre? Yes, Martin Lawrence, alongside like...Cary Grant and Bette fucking Davis. Martin Lawrence. I feel like his inclusion sort of cheapens the whole idea...then again, perhaps I'm too ignorant to appreciate the subtle nuances of his performances in Big Momma's House, not to mention Big Momma's House 2.

I watched movies like nobody's business! Movies out the wazzoo, people, and that ain't a lie. Among the flicks watched:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning What a fucking waste of time. An absolute piece of shit, pointless, waste of time. I honestly think this movie is the most pointless film ever made in the history of ever. EVER. EVAAARRRRR. Hooray, it's Leatherface's backstory. He was deformed and picked on, so he was angry. Then his cuckoo nutso adoptive family decides to go cannibal just like that. So...they're crazy! And let's have another stupid Chainsaw dinner scene, which adds nothing to the storyline whatsoever. In fact, they don't even have dinner! They bring the girl up to the table, then they take her away. I just...can't...I hated this movie so much that if I ever run into it in an alley, dark or otherwise, I will kick its ass. Without hesitation, even if it's wearing glasses.

Shark Attack 2 This was pretty good B-Movie crap stuff and I liked it, but boy, it's no Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Then again, what is? No film, man, or beast can compete with that movie. It's a losing battle from the start.

Night of the Demon Ah, finally, a cheesy Bigfoot movie for the masses. Have you ever seen a biker get his wang ripped off by Bigfoot? Have you ever seen Bigfoot grab a knife-wielding Girl Scout in each hand and make them stab each other to death? No? Then NotD is the movie for you. I was lovin' it right up to the very disturbing Bigfoot rape scene...then it seemed to take a turn from good/bad to skeezy, uncomfortable/bad. That sucked.

Cry_Wolf Good sweet mother of everything. I can't even say anything about this movie except that it's stupid stupid stupid and I can't believe I sat through the whole thing. I realize that "stupid stupid stupid" doesn't tell you anything and isn't a very professional critique, but it's true. It's one of the flat-out stupidest movies I've ever seen. Sometimes a succint comment is the most accurate. Stupid stupid stupid.

Shower of Blood This softcore movie wherein strippers actresses wash their fake tits repeatedly for a long time and there's some vampires who shoot lightning out of their fingers and dance to some Scott Joplin-esque Ragtime-y music was so bad...so GOOD bad...that it quickly earned a spot near the top of my "Best Bad Movies of All Time" list. Seriously. It was so good we watched it twice. It was so good I literally fell on the floor during a bout of laughter. For more on this flick that begs the eternal question "Is this bad on purpose?", please read SuperHeidi's review. Then find yourself a copy. It's unbelieveable.

And so on. So many movies, they're all a blur, really.

I went to Tori Spelling's house!

Yes, I went to Tori Spelling's house for a yard sale and picked through her crap. I mean...why not, you know? I will admit, it was pretty gross-feeling-inducing, seeing people paw through her belongings. I kind of just stood around and watched the scene unfold...until Amanda and I found the VHS tapes. People, I think you'll be just as surprised as I was to find out that Tori Spelling has fanfuckingtastic taste in...horror movies. She had more horror than anything else. And it was good stuff, too! I couldn't believe it! From Halloween (1, 2, & 3) to Children of the Corn to Suspiria to Repulsion, as well as lesser known gems like He Knows You're Alone and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, I was blown away. I have a new respect for the woman! Amanda bought me Dirty Dancing, because I've never seen it. I still have absolutely no desire to watch it, but there's something so magically delicious about owning Tori Spelling's copy of Dirty Dancing that made it impossible to resist. I picked up Let's Scare Jessica to Death and the hard to find slasher gem Curtains. Which brings me to my next and final point (if you're still reading this never-ending post)...

Yeah, so I have Tori Spelling's copy of Curtains, which I bought because it was cheap and it was in the original box. But you see, I already own a copy of Curtains that's not in the original box. Wanting the box art may be pathetically nerdish, but what can I say? Don't make too much fun of me, because my pathetic nerdishness might just lead to awesomeness for YOU! Yes, you. For you see, it's now time for

FINAL GIRL'S DAZZLING CURTAINS GIVEAWAY SWEEPSTAKES!

WHEREIN YOU CAN WIN A COPY OF THE RARE CANADIAN SLASHER FLICK CURTAINS! ISN'T THAT DAZZLING?

Yes, it is. For those of you who don't know Curtains, let me say it's not a great slasher, but it's pretty good. It does, however, feature one of the greatest scenes in any slasher flick ever, as well as one of the spookiest-looking slasher killers ever.

Not bad, eh? OK, so, to win your very own VHS copy of Curtains, just send me an email (to: stacieponder@gmail.com) with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates! by midnight, December 30. I'll do the ol' pull a name out of a hat trick and send one lucky winner a dazzling videocassette. Easy!

It's good to be home, but I miss those palm trees.