An audible cry for help

I'm sitting here staring at my computer monitor trying to muster up the energy to write a review for Silent Scream (2005) and I'm having trouble. I've seen so much garbage lately- it seems like 19 out of 20 films I watch are less-than-mediocre at best, and I'm wondering where all the good horror has gone. I know it's out there somewhere- it must be! Never give up hope! I just hope I can find some of it before I slip into a vortex of despair, a spiral of rage and pain from which I may never return.

The most notable thing about Silent Scream is the title. Sure, it's a terrible title, but it does bring about an interesting philosophical question- is there any such thing as a silent scream? Is that possible? Alright, so even that isn't overly interesting, but still- it distracts me from the awful movie. Does a scream require sound to rightfully be called a scream? Can everyone's favorite deaf-mute Helen Keller truly scream if she emits no sound? Or, instead of "screaming", is she simply opening her mouth and making a face? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound? If a tree falls in the forest and only Helen Keller is around, does it make a sound? These are burning Philosophy 101-style questions, don't you agree? Trust me, we'd all be better served if I spent the rest of this post ruminating and theorizing and postulating on these instead of discussing the film, but this is not Philosophy 101. This is Final Girl, where even the most horrendous horror films rule the roost.

Sigh.

Oh my Gawd. I wrote three paragraphs about this film and then promptly deleted them all. What's wrong with me? I'm beginning to think Silent Scream has broken my spirit. I can't do it. I just can't do it. Is this a serious case of The Mondays or is it something...more ominous?

Look! Silent Scream features both The Poor Man's Clay Aiken and The Poor Man's Sarah Michelle Gellar. Isn't that neat?



Sorry, I really don't know what to say here. The film manages to screw up the standard slasher formula (stereotypical horny teens hanging out in a remote location are stalked by a masked killer) with twist upon twist (it isn't really happening! Wait, yes it is!) in such a fashion that you really come to appreciate a slasher film that gets it right, like My Bloody Valentine.

I even tried to pretend I was back in the 1980s in an effort to appreciate Silent Scream as some sort of throwback to that era. Unfortunately, however, the kills are poorly shot and dull, there's no atmosphere or tension, the dialogue is lousy, there are plot holes galore, and the boobage is riddled with implant scars. If I really wanted to pretend I was back in the '80s, my time would have been better spent listening to Missing Persons and watching Friday the 13th Part 2.

In fact, that might just be the prescription to boost my spirits.