broken-hearted

There are three reasons why I picked up a copy of Lovers Lane (1999): 1) it's a slasher, 2) it was $1.99, and 3) it stars Anna Faris. I love love loooooove Anna Faris, and if you've seen any of the Scary Movies, or May, or The Hot Chick, then you should love her, too. She just plain rocks.

And yes, I said The Hot Chick. I can't help myself, I think it's funny. Well, it's not entirely funny, but the parts that make me laugh really make me laugh, so I like it. Listen, I bet you secretly like some piece of shit movie, too, so don't act all big because I like The Hot Chick.

Ahem. Speaking of piece of shit movies, let's cast our insecurities aside for a moment and discuss Lovers Lane, shall we?

Like any good and proper slasher film, Lovers Lane opens with a prologue set during a holiday: Valentine's Day, to be exact. A couple is killed whilst in flagrante out on...you guessed it...lovers lane by a cuckoo nutso with a hook for a hand. The dude is caught immediately and taken away to an insane asylum.

Cut to 13 years later, and Valentine's Day approaches. An exclusively whitebread sampling of horny teens gets into wacky teen hijinks and they decide to head out to lover's lane...or something, I think. It was all a little vague. The point here is that Jannelle (Faris) must really like being a cheerleader, because she wears her uniform throughout the entire film, both in and out of school.

Meanwhile, back at the asylum, Good Ol' Hooky's "Dr Loomis", Dr Grefe, is having a hard time connecting with his patient. There seemed to be a lack of communication or something...I'll admit, however, I wasn't really paying attention. I was far too busy trying to figure out why Dr Grefe looked so damn familiar...was Red Buttons starring as Dr Grefe? No, that wasn't right. Finally it came to me- it was friggin' Les Nessman from WKRP in Cinncinnati as the doctor. Once I figured that out, I could rest easy and start listening again.

In a frightening turn of events, Good Ol' Hooky manages to escape the asylum. He even gets his signature weapon back, as Dr Grefe conveniently kept the hook displayed on his desk under a bell jar. Oh, you'd like to keep the weapon for yourself, doctor? Sure, why not! Evidence, shmevidence!

Before he left the hospital, though, Good Ol' Hooky left a chilling message written in blood on the wall. C-H-I-L-L-I-N-G, I say. Seriously. You might want to have someone with you when you look at the screen cap below, you know, to hold hands with or something because you'll be scared to death. I myself was terrified. Even looking at it now makes me a tad uneasy...

See? I told you! I'm just glad I wasn't watching it alone.

Good Ol' Hooky heads back to his former killing grounds to...uh, kill the horny teens. Man, forget Michael Myers...this dude should be called The Shape. Throughout the film, he was always hiding in the background, just out of sight. He was so inconspicuous, no one really knew he was there. It was like you thought your eyes were playing tricks on you- "Wait, was that the killer I just saw? No...no, it couldn't have been. Must've been a shadow." Talk about scary!

The teens are picked off one by one until we reach a conclusion that defies any and all logic you might try to use to try to understand it. Honestly, deciphering string theory or the rotation of Foucault's Pendulum is easier than deciphering the finale of Lovers Lane.

In addition to the ludicrous-yet-boring story, the film is also horrible to behold. I don't know whether or not I simply got a poor DVD transfer, but the sound levels fluctuated wildly throughout (the TV would have to be turned way up for one scene, then I'd be deafened in the next) and there were times that the darkness onscreen was impenetrable. Can you figure out what's going on in this shot? Hint: there's nudity!

Now, all these checkmarks in the "suck" column don't mean that the film was a total wash. I did get to play a rousing game of "Wig or No Wig?" from scene to scene throughout the entire film with horny teen's mom-cum-high school principal Penny Lamson (Suzanne Bouchard). Here, I'll show you how it goes:

No wig!

Wig!

No wig, with condom

Wig, sans condom

No wig, dumb expression

Wig, dumb expression

Another highlight, and perhaps my favorite part of the film, occurred when Jannelle got really scared and decided to arm herself...with four knives. I have no idea whether or not it supposed to be intentionally funny, but it was awesome so I'm going to assume that Anna Faris decided to do it all on her own.

Last but not least, I think we can say with confidence that Lovers Lane boasts what has to be one of the worst fake dog heads ever committed to film. For reals, y'all...that shit looks like a cake.

There's a part of me...a small part of me...that thinks this film is a straight-faced parody of a slasher film. Maybe it's poking fun without being all nudge-nudge like Scream (and countless Scream ripoffs)...I mean, at one rewind-worthy point, Principal Wig punches out one of her female students for no good reason. Then there's that chilling message written in blood. Then there's Jannelle defending herself with four knives. Then there's the ending, in which basically everyone left alive is the killer. Could Lovers Lane be a subversive slice of slasher cinema? Sure, why not?

But then, what do I know? After all, I like The Hot Chick.