Le Year in le Review

My, my, my. As you may have noticed, 2007 is almost over...which, according to my calculations, means that 2008 is almost ready to begin. It's time for resolutions and year-end lists, huzzah! I've only got two resolutions this year: 1) Be more awesome, and 2) avoid anything having to do with Paul Reiser. You might think these aren't terribly challenging resolutions- not like your average New Year's rezzies such as quitting smoking or losing 300 pounds. Rest assured, however, that I will struggle throughout 2008 to reach these seemingly humble goals. I mean, as to resolution #1...I totally know what you're thinking: is it even possible for me to be more awesome? And regarding resolution #2...I'd say it'd be a cakewalk, but at some point I'll probably be struck with the urge to watch Aliens. What's a Paul Reiser-avoider/Aliens-lover to do? Life is full of difficult, difficult choices, and that will be no exception.

Now, don't you go thinking I'm not cliched enough to bust out a year-end list type post, because I totally am. Indeed, it's time for the...

Final Girl Year in Review Dazzling Spectacular Event of Note!

JANUARY: Ah, January...the cruelest month. The heinous-osity of the Black Christmas remake was balanced out by the first-ever Animals Run Amok Week as well as Children Hate You Week. The Film Club was but wee that month, but those of us who soldiered through caught the simply marvelous Daphne Zuniga-flavored slasher The Initiation. Wait, the cruelest month? I think I meant the coolest month!

• Review of the month: Black Christmas

• Quote of the month: "Thankfully, however, Cameron gets his Emperor Palpatine on and has a "spectacular" showdown with the demon in pure 80's Spencer Gifts fashion." - Cameron's Closet review

• Photo of the month:

FEBRUARY: Oh so short yet oh so sweet, looking back, I must say that February kind of rocked. I saw some films that filled my heart with glee and saw some films that filled (and continue to fill) my heart with rage (I swear to G.O.D., if I ever see you on the street, The Cavern, you'd better run for your life); the Film Club got all highbrow with The Exorcist; there was Defenestration Week, and my love affair with The Descent got all ten kinds of analyze-y.

• Review of the month: Gnaw: Food of the Gods 2

• Quote of the month: "I give it 4.5 out of 10 maybe next Piper Perabo and Lena Headey should team up in an antagonistic buddy-cop flick, where Piper Perabo plays a feisty, hardened NYPD detective who’s recently lost her partner in a shoot-out with a scum-sucking drug dealer and Lena Headey plays her new partner, an uptight British import. They don’t get along, of course, and Piper Perabo calls Lena Headey some name like “Buckingham” (for the Palace, natch) and Lena Headey will scold Piper Perabo for going against regulations and breaking the rules. Then the movie will kinda ripoff Ladykillers (starring Marilu Henner and Thomas Calabro) and the duo will have to investigate a series of murders at an exclusive Chippendales-style strip joint, that way there could be lots of musical numbers wherein screaming ladies wave dollar bills at breakdancing cowboys. Eventually the girls solve the crime and bag the perp, Lena Headey has learned something about New York bagels, Piper Perabo has learned something about clotted cream, and they’re not only partners but they’re also now besties. The film ends with a freeze-frame of a high-five and “Paradise City” by Guns-n-Roses starts blaring over the credits. Oh yeah, and they make outs." -The Cave review

• Photo of the month:

MARCH: Given that there are 31 days in the month and I only managed 13 posts, it's obvious that I've got a "fuck March!" kind of attitude. I'm don't exactly remember what my beef is with March, but I'm sure it was acting like a jerk or something. Anyway, quantity and quality are two different things, no? Oh, what a great movie-watching couple of weeks they were! The Film Club caught the supernatural war flick Deathwatch... Bubba totally didn't do it in the made-for-TV slasher Dark Night of the Scarecrow... Ed Neal and Marilyn Burns wore lots of eye makeup in Future-Kill... and blah blah blah.

• Review of the month: House of the Dead

• Quote of the month: "That’s got to be the most retarded showdown in the history of ever and I can’t believe it actually happened, but I saw it with my very own eyes." -The Hitcher 2 review

• Photo of the month:

APRIL: Holy frickin' crap, April was AWESOME. I met Marilyn Burns; Moustaches of Horror were on parade; Kari Wuhrer Mania '07 was in full swing; more animals were running amok than ever before; thanks to the Film Club I finally caught Prince of Darkness...in fact, with the exception of the death of director Bob Clark, I'd have to say that April kicked beaucoup ass.

• Review of the month: Nigh impossible to choose but one...but let's say The Swarm.

• Quote of the month: "I mean, you'd be surprised how often "I can smell your cunt" comes up in the course of a week." -from that post where I answered some questions

• Photo of the month: Man, this was hard to choose. April Fools? More like April RULES.
  

MAY: Oo-eee, May sure was craptacular...craptacular in the best way possible, that is. Between Slash Dance, Knight Chills, and Incubus (featuring the first and thus far only haiku review here at Final Girl), it's a miracle I didn't gouge my eyes out at some point. As we all know, however, generally my pain means your pleasure as the worst movies make for the best reviews. Thankfully that triple threat of suck was balanced out by my hearting Wrong Turn and catching some other decent flicks.

• Review of the month: Knight Chills

• Quote of the month: "Or maybe, just maybe, they'll fart fire like super cockroaches do!" -from the review for Frogs

• Photo of the month:

JUNE: June was a bit lame despite the fact that it marked the anniversary of my birth. Final Girl Super Secret Clubhouse Headquarters underwent a massive change and posting was a bit light. The Film Club managed to cram in a viewing of The Innocents, but other than that movie-watching was virtually non-existent. I did, however, manage to ruminate on vampires, Curtains, and other bloggers, which is totally...worth...something.

• Review of the month: Kiss Daddy Goodbye

• Quote of the month: "I mean, when the kids are, like, staring at each other for a few minutes and there's nothing else going on and the kids are all stare stare stare, it was...well, you might not believe it but it was, like, only the most totally fucking exciting thing I've ever seen in a movie and, like, my shirt exploded because I was totally Hulking out with excitement and the little scraps of my shirt caught on fire as they fell to the living room floor because the air was like electric with excitement, you know?" -from Kiss Daddy Goodbye review

• Photo of the month:

JULY: Boy, with the misery of June behind us all, July came on all guns a-blazin' and cracka-lackin'! I posted some facts about myself that the world was simply dying to know, I lost my San Diego Comic Con cherry, I interviewed Alex Reid, the Film Club watched Behind the Mask (which virtually everyone but me enjoyed), I made a traileriffic list, and more than 25 people participated in the Friday the 13th Blog-a-Thon. Man, I'm still wiped out from all that awesome.

• Review of the month: The Fog (remake)

• Quote of the month: "If a tree falls in the forest and only Helen Keller is around, does it make a sound?" -review, Silent Scream

• Photo of the month:

AUGUST: August may be best known as the month in which I survived numerous brushes with death, but looking back at it there was so much more! Awesome Movie Poster Friday was born, I reviewed a Lifetime movie, I interviewed a bunch of people, reviewed a bunch of stuff, and I met Adrienne freakin' Barbeau. Go, August!

• Review of the month: not quite a review, exactly...just my hopes for the inevitable Exorcist remake.

• Quote of the month: "Those movies are perfect- you're only going to make yourself look like an asshole by remaking them." -Rob Zombie

• Photo of the month:

SEPTEMBER: At long last, I officially indulged in my love affair with killer doll/puppet movies with Hello, Dolly! Week; it seemed as if there were 463598 Awesome Movie Poster Fridays throughout the month; I made up some movie titles, and the Film Club checked out Halloween, a film I'm still trying to forget. You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both and there you have September.

• Review of the month: Pinocchio's Revenge

• Quote of the month: "Then in the sequel they can all go to space and something something the love of a little orphan girl will save the world." -from a random post about Kelly Hu

• Photo of the month:

OCTOBER: I'll be the first to admit that last October sort of fizzled out. I started strong, reviewing some of my most favoritest movies at a furious one-a-day pace, but then...I got busy. And I had a lot of work to do as well. HA HA HA did you get my double entendre there? Anyway, what I lacked in reviews I kinda made up for in...other stuff, like some awesome Awesome Movie Poster Fridays, a sweet Film Club choice, and some choice interviews (umm...I talked to Elmuthafuckinvira, y'all) and stuff, including one wherein I entered the magical world of "video". October ended up okay, right? Tell me you still love me!

• Review of the month: Creepshow

• Quote of the month: "In space, no one can hear your complaints!" -review, Event Horizon

• Photo of the month:

NOVEMBER: What a month of dizzying highs and depressing lows! I hit Post #500, the Film Club kicked ass with the Lauren Tewes-flavored Eyes of a Stranger, Amicus Week rocked the house, and Lame Week unrocked it. Throw in some wicked mega-packed Awesome Movie Poster Fridays and you've got yourself one sweet-ass November chowder.

No, that doesn't make sense.

• Review of the month: Eyes of a Stranger

• Quote of the month: "The lesson here is, if you're going to be crazy and have a homicidal imaginary friend, you'd might as well have a homicidal imaginary friend who looks like Britt Ekland." -review, Asylum

• Photo of the month:

DECEMBER: OMG, I totally remember December as if it were still happening! Isn't that weird? I must confess, December has been one of those months where I haven't much felt like watching anything; in fact, I only managed 2 real reviews and one sort-of review during the entire month! What a jerk. Oh well. Maybe I'll make a resolution that next December won't suck as bad. Or maybe not. I do what I feel like- you don't own me!

• Review of the month: Dogs

• Quote of the month: "It is obvious to me now that Joan Van Ark died five years ago and no one bothered to tell her." -from a random post about Joan Van Ark, whom I still love, living, dead, or undead!

• Photo of the month:

Well, there you have it...my super duper Final Girl Year in Review Dazzling Spectacular Event of Note. I hope you had as much fun reading these last 12 months as I had writing.

I hereby promise* to totally flip out and make 2008 the best year ever here at Final Girl. Up yours, 2007!





*I promise nothing

awesome movie poster friday- the CHRISTMAS edition!

1) Yeah, I realize that some of these are VHS boxes rather than posters. Sometimes posters simply aren't available- and the boxes rock anyway!

2) Yeah, it pains me to include anything to do with the Black Christmas remake. As you may remember, I found it to be quite a steaming pile, and if I ever see it walking around the floor at a convention or whatever, trust me...it's on. Even though the poster with eyes is still kinda cruddy, in my opinion these are both vastly superior to the final poster image.

3) Yeah, that's it from me until after the holidays. I've got some jet-setting to do! Whatever it is you celebrate, I hope you have a grand ol' time. Yay!

woof.

For just a moment, imagine you are me. Try not to focus on all the jet-setting and glamour; rather, I'd like for you to imagine me in one particular situation. There you are (there I am? bah!) at the record & movie store, just a-browsin' on a Saturday. You spot a little something called Dogs (1976), a movie that falls squarely into your beloved "Animals Run Amok" category. You might pick up the DVD, thinking something like "Hmm. Oh my, yes". Then, upon closer inspection, you see two little words emblazoned on the DVD artwork- two great tastes that taste oh-so-great together...for, you see, you see:

LINDA GRAY

Yes, what you are holding is an Animals Run Amok flick starring she of television's Models, Inc...starring she of (I shouldn't even have to tell you this by now) television's Dallas.

Let's reiterate: you are me, and you're holding an Animals Run Amok movie starring Sue Ellen Ewing. What do you do? You bring the movie home, right? Maybe make out with it on the way? Well, dear reader, you may be forgetting that I am nothing if not crafty. As such, I simply held the DVD before my shopping companion/pal Amanda By Night (who may love Sue Ellen even more than I do) and uttered a simple "Look!" Amanda snatched that shit up. Dogs found a home, I didn't have to pay for it, and I felt good about bringing content and the person who loves said content together; I'm all about helping people realize their goals, see, not unlike Sally Struthers.



At this point, you may be thinking "Oh Stacie, truly you are a gentle, magnanimous soul. But perhaps you should lay off the crack until after lunch time, yes? Your long-winded intro has nothing to do with anything, and in fact it makes very little sense."

Look, I'm trying really hard here to give this blog a bit of the human touch, okay? I'm trying to give you a glimpse into my fast-paced, action-packed lifestyle here without actually telling you anything about myself. Sure, I could have simply launched into a review of Dogs. I could have said "Yeah, Dogs. The acting was this, the directing was that, it was so-so."...but no. I'm trying to give you just a little bit more, a little something something, a little extra, like when you're having dinner out and your order arrives and the waiter offers to sprinkle cheese or pepper or some shit on your food. Yes, pasta primavera can be lovely, but the waiter wants to give it a little extra, a little tableside zing.

No, that's not a euphemism. And whenever they offer to spinkle stuff on my food I always refuse but that's not the point.

I don't even know what the point is anymore! What's this post all about, anyway? I don't remember. And P.S., I don't need a lecture: I'll use the crack anytime I want. Of course, everyone knows that crack is best in the afternoons and mornings are all about Xanax. Why do we have to argue about everything?

Whooooa. Maybe I should just start over. I borrowed a movie called Dogs from my friend Amanda. It stars Linda Gray of television's Dallas, and boy was I excited to see it! In the end, the movie I imagined was far superior to the movie I saw, but them's the breaks.

For just a moment, imagine a world in which all the canine pets turn on their owners! Imagine if one day your faithful companion Princess Fluffytail Wonderbottom III suddenly turned on you and made with the chomp chomp! Is that not a nightmare? Yes...yes, it is a nightmare. And that's exactly what happened in some fictional California college town! SHUDDER!

Why are the dogs attacking their owners? Why are they suddenly traveling in a big ol' pack, thirsting for blood? Is it due to pheromones? Is it because of the mysterious and experimental "linear accelerator" housed on the college campus? Who knows?

Certainly not anyone who watches Dogs, for the questions are never answered. This matters not, however- I mean, no one knows why the birds attacked in...umm...The Birds, and that's just fine. In fact, Dogs owes more than a little to Hitchcock's masterpiece, right down to the "children under attack" sequence. The comparisons are purely superficial, however: qualitatively, they're two very different beasts.

Dogs's biggest crime is that it's pretty boring. There's very little urgency to the proceedings, and the plot sort of meanders from one boring set-piece to another with a little attack thrown in once in a while. When these attack sequences aren't too dark to see (which isn't often), I will say that Dogs doesn't skimp on the blood and chewed flesh.

nom nom nom nom

The lead characters were extremely annoying and I found myself fervently wishing they'd end up meeting the pointy end of Sir Barkzalot but fast. Before you clamp your hand over your mouth and say "OMG, Stacie thought Linda Gray was annoying! Everything I know is wrong!", however, I'll point out that she wasn't a lead character whatsoever, despite the emblazoning of her name on the DVD case. She was in the first five minutes of the film, and then she had a shower/death scene an hour later. But oh, what an impression she made in a mere ten minutes of screen time! What an odd impression, I should say; she had this weird habit of continuously putting on and taking off her glasses for no reason whatsoever.

In the shower scene, for example, she puts her glasses on, turns on the water, then takes her glasses off. If she's that blind, she should consider wearing her specs all the time, you know? But no matter! A sneaky Doberman gets in the house and makes short work of poor Linda. The camera then pans to her beloved glasses sitting next to the shower, their owner now dead. I think this is supposed to symbolize something or other- what, I'm not sure. Whatever it is, though, I'm sure it's poignant and meaningful.

All in all, Dogs was pretty meh despite The Linda Gray Factor- my roommate fell asleep while we were watching it, and she never falls asleep during anything. That probably tells you all you need to know. I was mostly thankful that this film is 30 years old, for that means that Princess Fluffytail Wonderbottom III was a real dog, not one made out of computer. It's the little things, you know?

a night out!

Hey Los Angelites! It's time to get gussied up for tomorrow night's Grindhouse Film Festival:

Yes, a delightful holiday double feature: Black Christmas and Silent Night, Deadly Night...on the big screen, introduced by John effing Saxon.

BLACK CHRISTMAS director Bob Clark is well known for his holiday perennial A CHRISTMAS STORY, but years before that he crafted a very different holiday film. BLACK CHRISTMAS is one of the earliest and best of what later devolved into the 'slasher film' genre and is not to be missed. This is our third annual holiday screening of the film, which we intend to continue as an ongoing tribute to Bob Clark. The film will be introduced by star John Saxon.

Director Charles E. Sellier's SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT was faced with nationwide protests over it's "killer Santa" premise upon release in 1984, becoming one of the most controversial films of all time. While we don't expect angry parents picketing outside the theater this time around, we do expect that everyone will have a great time with this entertaining film from the man previously best known as the creator of the Grizzly Adams franchise.

The event starts at 7:30pm, and admission for the double feature plus a reel of rare exploitation trailers and a free raffle is only $8.00.

For additional information and schedules for upcoming events, visit our MySpace page at www.myspace.com/grindhouse.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

Brian Quinn and Eric Caidin with Grindhouse Releasing present
The Grindhouse Film Festival
New Beverly Cinema
7165 Beverly Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA
(323) 938-4038
Admission: $8.00

Special Guest: John Saxon
(additional guests to be announced)

7:30pm
Black Christmas (1974)
Directed by Bob Clark. Starring Olivia Hussey, Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder and John Saxon.

10:00pm
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Directed by Charles E. Sellier, Jr. Starring Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Toni Nero and Robert Brian Wilson.

I am sooooo excited to see Black Christmas on the big big screen with a big big crowd! That's right, I'll be there and I'll be square. If you go, look for me: I'll be decked out in my finest movie-watchin' muu-muu, though I may cover up with a nice appliqued holiday sweater...it's been a bit chilly in the evenings. Say hi, but please, no photos! The event is about the films, not me.

Me me me! ME!

ME!

Did I mention that I'm going?

awesome movie poster friday- the CHILDREN HATE YOU edition!

Black Magic Woman

I only need to say a couple of things about Mystics in Bali (1981) so you'll understand what's in store for you should you choose to seek it out: it's from Mondo Macabro, and it's directed by the king of the Indonesian exploitation flick, H. Tjut Djalil- yes, the man who also brought the world Lady Terminator and one of my most favoritests ever, Dangerous Seductress.

Those facts alone will most likely either get you amped or put you off, right? And let's face it- the world is really divided into two kinds of people: those who want to see a film wherein a young woman wants to learn about black magic so she joins the cult of the Leyak but she gets in way over her head and becomes an acolyte of the evil Leyak Queen, and then the girl's head actually comes off and flies around- innards still attached!- and sucks fetuses right out of pregnant women...and those who don't. If you're anything at all like me- and you'd better be- you fall squarely into the former camp.













I'm so not even kidding when I say that there's little in life that would fill me with as much glee as the sight of that head trucking around town.

See? There's really not much more I can tell you except that Mystics in Bali is exactly what Ive come to expect from both Djalil and Mondo Macabro: it's completely insane and completely awesome, armpit hair aside.