Holy friggin' frig, I've been gone so long...so long, I don't even know where to start. Where have I been? Take your pick- one or more of these might even be true!
1) I was stuck in a fugue of blog ennui
2) I was stuck in front of my Xbox 360 playing Grand Theft Auto IV
3) I was stuck working, working, working
4) I was stuck where the sun don't shine
5) I was stuck on you, and you didn't even notice
6) I was stuck in between my glass shower doors after I slipped and fell getting out of the tub, just like that morbidly obese woman I saw once on Sally Jessy Raphael. I was on the phone with my friend Brandi and we were both watching it and after recounting her tale of getting stuck in between the doors, the woman said "I could have died", which is really kind of preposterous if you think about it.
So, one or more of those. Yes, I have neglected FG for far too long, but let's not dwell on that. Let's live in the NOW, which is all fresh and exciting!
Umm, okay. You know what, Charles Nelson Reilly? That really doesn't help matters. I've acknowledged my lameness and I'm moving on. We're all moving on, and I think you should, too. Existing in the now and all that. Thus, let's get on with it! This is gonna be a big one, so look out!
*that's what she said*
ITEM! It's Wednesday. You know what that means by now, right? It's AMC day! Head over to read all about horror movie moms. Because last Sunday was Mother's Day, and I'm all ten kinds of timely and shit.
ITEM! Look what I made! See? I was busy while I was away. I got another commission and I made it a reality. Go, Cthulhu, go! RARR!
As always, check out my MySpace gallery to see what's available, or get in touch with me to request your own Very Special Painting. These are 12" x 12". These are $100, including shipping. These are fun to do.ITEM! Thanks to a terribly kind and enterprising reader (and owner of an awesome horror website), I have finally seen [REC].
Hotchie motchie, I fucking loved it. LOVED IT I SAY. The word "ride" is used to describe an awful lot of films on posters and whatnot- "an action-packed thrill ride" or some such shit, but it's incredibly rare when the word actually applies. I think it absolutely applies here- once the action kicked in, [REC] didn't let up. Only when it was over did I realize I'd been holding my breath; seriously, the last...oh, ten minutes or so had me curled up, clutching a pillow, and not breathing. It was fucking awesome. It's not a film that I want to pick apart, to analyze and review- it was more of an experience I want to savor. Horror movies can be so damn unscary, that when one comes along that scares the bejesus out of me (and this one did- I actually had a nightmare about it. I don't have nightmares! I woke up and I was all freaked out and I didn't want to open my eyes and I couldn't go back to sleep), I want to hug it and treasure it and cram the DVD down my pants. I will say, however, that it's one of the very best (if not THE best) "found footage" films I've seen. The sound design was amazing. It was so fucking intense!I'm not sure whether or not I'll bother with the forthcoming remake, although I am terribly curious to see what's done with it.
Is it bad that I wanted to type "I am terribly curious to see how much Hollywood fucks it up"? Yes, that's bad. Don't be a hater, Stacie!
THE BIGGEST ITEM OF ALL!
NO, REALLY!
Okay, so listen to this. I review movies and blog a bit for a website called After Ellen (yes, I blog for other sites, as you know. Seriously, I need to have an outlet for my love of America's Next Top Model and I doubt you people want to read about it here...unless Leatherface is a guest judge or something). Well, After Ellen and Logo recently sponsored a contest calling for a new webseries to premiere on both sites, the only rules for which were basically 1) it must be rated PG and 2) there must be some lesbian content. Thought I, "I will enter this contest!" and I did. Knowing me as you do, surely you figure that my series would be horror related, yes? Yes!
WHO LOVES LESBIANS AND HORROR MOVIES AND ANY COMBINATION THEREOF?
The whole entire world, that's who!
See? Everybody!So, I created a webseries, made 3 episodes of said webseries, entered the contest, and was crowned RUNNER UP in said contest. I'm super pleased, as I figured I didn't stand a chance in hell because...well, horror can be a bit of a tough sell to some crowds, never mind crappy horror films. As my prize, I get to...uh, make ten more episodes, which will be shown on After Ellen and Logo Online.
EPISODES OF WHAT?
Episodes of Ghostella's Haunted Tomb, that's what! Here's the deal: Ghostella is a bargain basement Elvira-wannabe who hosts awful B- and Z-grade lesbian horror movies from her garage. Each episode, clocking in at under 20 minutes, will feature a complete B- or Z-grade lesbian horror movie (written and directed by moi) as well as Ghostella's antics. That's kind of an awesome idea, right?
Ghostella tries her bestThe series launches today! There's a little interview with me talking about the series right here, which includes a link to the first episode. Ghostella presents Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear, a true schlockfest of lesbian vampire erotica all the way from 1968.
Lesbian vampires! Who knew?
Episodes will run every Wednesday, which means I have a lot more short horror films to make. HOORAY! I'll let be sure to post here whenever a new episode is up. Ghostella rules!
I read all of that too fast. I'm dizzy.
ReplyDeleteGhostella needs a hotline, so callers (me) can call in!
ReplyDeleteI second the 'dizzy' comment. Who knew Charles Nelson Reilly could be the literary super-glue between GTA4, spanish zombie movies, Cthulhu and lesbian vampires?
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked [REC]... Did you watch it with someone else? At night? I think I missed out on some of the scariness watching it in the afternoon by myself while home with the flu on the couch. Maybe I'll give it another shot this week.
Also -- I want to know your gamertag. I will totally smoke you in an ice-cream truck drive-by on the streets of Liberty City, all the while listening to the annoyingly catchy Glukoza on Vladivostok FM. Well, that's what I'll try to do... once I learn how to not suck and stop getting owned by 12 year olds.
I'd love to see your original short films and also, if it's not too personal, I'd like to hear how you go about making a web-i-sode, because I write screenplays myself and if it can be done on the cheap, I'd love to hear how.
ReplyDeleteIs that a Sega Genesis beside Ghostella? That might be a good idea for the series, one time the camera accidentally pans left and we see a game of Earthworm Jim 2 on pause.
ReplyDeleteI feel like Rock Hudson at The Miss America Pageant, because [REC] just didn't deliver for me.
ReplyDeleteLesbian vampires? Sign me up! You'll soon be Rollin in the dough!
ReplyDelete(See what I did there? Because Jean Rol--oh, never mind.)
I love the Ghostella look. Can't wait to see the series!
I don't want to throw a hissy fit or anything right now, but the fact that everybody's getting to see [REC] and I am not makes me die on the inside. I am sad, y'all.
ReplyDeleteAhem. Yay Stac! I am so friggin' happy we get more Ghostella. She brings the funny! You bring the funny! I'm also glad I can finally link to them, because I've been wanting to for weeks now. Yay everybody! Sunshine and rainbow-colored peacocks!
I've had way too much caffeine today.
Kick-ass list of horror moms, too Stacie. I love that scene in Ft13th7 where the prick-doctor throws the main character's mom on Jason and runs. Hee.
Holy crap. Best Cher voice ever.
ReplyDeleteHear!Hear! [REC] is a masterpiece -- even if it has no dummy-deaths...:(
ReplyDeleteSaw [REC] last night, after a quick search and a day - 'exercising my options', so to speak -- not quite as fresh, since CLOVERFIELD stole a good bit of its gimmick; but it's a HELL of a lot scarier than CLOVERFIELD could hope to be... the limitations and the Shakycam actually work logically with the story (for once).
ReplyDeleteI started watching this at 12:30am - NOT the best idea that I've ever had, especially when the last 20min kicked in.
It's not all that original - there's lots of other stuff that we've seen (BLAIR WITCH, 28 DAYS LATER, THE DESCENT), but the mix is pretty tasty... it's very well paced, which really helps. The set up is just long enough to get you hooked into the story, and you're thrown enough information throughout to keep you interested - then it goes all out, when you want to escape, but can't.
People - "EXERCISE YOUR OPTIONS" and SEE THIS FILM as soon as possible. By the time QUARANTINE is released, it'll be stale and bland.
ANTM - love!
ReplyDeleteCthulhu - worship!
You - let's just say that I have seen the future of horror, and her name is Stacie Ponder!
I'm off to watch some Ghostella and check out your latest AMC post. And, if time permits, kick Charles Nelson Reily's ass for all the horrible things he's been writing about you.
One thing positive I can say about the remake of [REC], is that at least they went with a cast of unknowns and kept the visual style pretty close. I think the trailer could look a lot worse...
ReplyDeleteJust at the point where you'd think Ms. Stacie couldn't be anymore cool, what with her brilliant coiffure and shining wit, she goes and writes a lesbian vampire movie with her hot roommate. So now, pretty much she could have any man AND any woman if she wanted.
ReplyDeleteOh, and the ANTM finale tonight was utter bullshit.
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ReplyDeleteHi Stacie. Congrats on your web-i-sodes!! I'll go take a look. Is it just me, or does Ghostella look a bit like Parker Posey?
ReplyDelete-Steph
I just realized what I said could have been a spoiler, if someone hadn't seen the ANTM finale. If I spoiled it for anyone, let me know, and onto my sword I will thrust myself. Ugh, stupid.
ReplyDeleteWes, a Ghostella hotline is a great idea! Don't be surprised if it turns up at some point...
ReplyDeleteCorey, Charles Nelson Reilly is the glue that holds the whole world together!!
I did watch [REC] with some friends, at night, with the lights turned off, and we were all good and quiet. Everybody loved it! THANK YOU!
Unfortunately, I'm not on Xbox Live, because I am a big lame. I know John Barleycorn of Look Back in Anger is, though...maybe someday I'll "get" with the "times".
Anonymous, I give a couple of tips (I guess) in the interview, if you follow the link in the post. If you have any specific questions, feel free to email me!
Adam, it's actually a tape recorder, one of those old-school one-speaker kinds. I love that fucking tape recorder.
I'd have to have Super Nintendo paused in the background, which isn't a bad idea, either! I always had to go to my friend Jim's house to play Genesis. I LOVED the X-Men game.
Arbo, I'm so sorry to hear that [REC] didn't do it for you. I mean, I thought you were cool, but...if your opinion differs from mine, then obviously you are not.
Thank you thank you thank you all for checking out Ghostella! It's certainly tons of fun to make...I hope it's fun to watch as well.
Robot Cher FTW!
Jason, I'm only interested in kittens...RICH kittens, of course! But thanks...and I'm SURE Heidi will appreciate being called
hot! :D
spazmo, the finale hasn't aired here yet- another hour to go! By your tone, I'm going to assume that Anya doesn't win, which I expected. I bet the crown goes to Plussie (Whitney), who's had the winner edit since, like, day 2.
My favorite girls never win!!
JA you suck! :D :D
ReplyDeleteEh, I knew it anyway. If it was a real modeling competition, I think Katarzyna and Claire would have been in the top 3 with Anya. But it ain't and they sho wasn't.
Ugh I forgot about that whole time-zone dealie. This is YOUR fault for moving away anyway, Stacie. Also, I hope you realize that we've moved on to the abusive stage of our relationship.
ReplyDeleteOn the serious tip, I can't believe I'm only now learning of your ANTM addiction. I watch it with an Office (The TV show) like fascination, in that it never fails to be heart-stoppingly humiliating for everyone involved.
I've been trying to see [Rec], though not that hard yet because I just found out about it a couple weeks ago. Have any suggestions for a poor poor poor grad student to see it without spending my whole, mini paycheck.
ReplyDelete-Whitney
dearjesus.wordpress.com
congrats Ponder!
ReplyDeletesoooo glad as well that you loved [REC] - it's wonderful stuff.
cooke
xx
and well done indeed on a fuckin awesome first episode, lady!
ReplyDeleteWhew! Glad your back. I myself don't like lesbian vampires. I mean they're hot looking and they like other hot looking vampires???????? Keep that shit away from me. Now give me ugly lesbian manicurists? There you go.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the web series!
ReplyDeleteAwesome sound effects.
Oh and a very impressive vampire dusting.
I will second what Natazzz said... the dusting of Lady Mortidella will undoubtedly be remembered as the defining cinematic moment of the next 10 years. I can't wait for ep2. Any idea what the subgenre will be?
ReplyDeleteToo bad about XboxLive... probably for the best as I don't know how you'd have time for it given all these blog posts and movies you're making! If you do play GTA4, listen for that Glukoza song on the russian station... it's catchy little pop hook has been stuck in my head for days and maybe, like Samara's curse in The Ring, if I pass it on to someone else it will leave me alone.
Hmm, I'm more likely to be reason #2, but replace "Grand Theft Auto IV" on XBOX with "Mana Khemia" on PS2.
ReplyDeleteHmm, I actually like Herbert the gay vamp from "The Fearless Vampire Killers". Especially since in the Jp. version of the musical he comes on to Alfred in a see-through shirt and thong....now THAT'S GOOD YAOI!!!!
See, I totally learned a new word thanks to Ghostella..."dusting" is new to me, even if it totally makes sense.
ReplyDeleteThanks, kids!!
Corey, eps 2 and 3 are in the can already- I had to submit 3 complete episodes to enter the contest. So far, "Taste" is the only Barbie episode, but I've got plans to bring 'em back. Yay!
And I'll keep my...err, ear out for that song. I tend to stick with Classic Rock and Radio Broker (Juliette Lewis!!), but they're getting kinda tired. I like the Funk Station, too. And the electronic/ambient one where the DJ is a computer.
That episode was SO fucking awesome.
ReplyDeleteFUCKING AWESOME!
But, among the many things I loved about it, the biggest and best surprise was Heidi's performance as Ghostella (which, I'm embarrassed to say, I kept mispronouncing in my head until I heard Heidi introduce herself. I kept rhyming it with Nutella-- dammit!).
What little exposure I have to Ms. Martinuzzi is reading a couple things from Pretty/Scary and not much else.
So, I expected funny but also a harder, more sarcastic edge.
But man, she was heartbreakingly adorable!
Her expression listening to her roommate drone on about her Cher impression was just lovely. Reminded me of Holly Hunter's dance number in MISS FIRECRACKER: talent be damned, her sincerity and heart just totally win you over.
That was, really, a very pleasant surprise!
Stacie, the film itself was so super!
Just some of the many highlights for me:
The extra bit of breaking glass after a pause during the crash-- great.
The voices of the actresses, terrific.
The props and scenery-- insanely wonderful.
I couldn't believe how alluring all that Barbie cleavage was, too! Uh, that was kind of disturbing actually...
The whole thing was really, really wonderful.
Not to mention the underlying sexual tension throughout, cripes!
Fuck... I'm all smiley and shit, now!
I have to force my wife to watch this thing. I'm sure she'll love it, but she'll be impatient because she'll wanna be devoting her time to reading and writing SUPERNATURAL fan fic.
Looking forward to the next episodes.
BTW Sorry I don't comment more... I'm just a useless bonehead lately.
Oh, and very belated but sincere congrats on the AMC gig!
Later!
Oh, and all those pics of CNR?
It's like he's actually moving around and stuff, which is both cool and, well, considering the circumstances, creepy.
But, also, strangely reassuring, on a paranormal plane sort of deal, you know?
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ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to find this blog, I do love horror, every type of horror films and novels.
ReplyDeleteI'm also glad and proud to tell that now I'm writing my very own horror blog (autobiographic!).
Okay, here's something ironic, if not slightly horrific, for you:
ReplyDeleteis it me, or is Ellen Degeneres channeling the spirit of Charles Nelson Reilly and his 70's inspired fashion (non)sense? It's all about the neck accouterment; frankly, she's starting to look a little Love Boat, if you ask me.
Odd that you should mention 'After Ellen' AND Charles Nelson Reilly in the same entry, as I've been waiting for just the right moment to point out this Nelson/Ellen phenom for months. Finally, thanks for the opportunity.
By the way, have you seen "Ilsa, the Tigress of Siberia" (1977), or any of the Ilsa series? I realize you're into horror, but you also seem to have a modicum of retro about your filmic likings.
Let me say, they are far too entertaining.
be well,
jenji
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ReplyDeleteI know I'm late the party here but Ghostella rocked! I can't wait to see the next episodes. I propose that from now on all directors utilize your method of vampire dusting.
ReplyDeleteI feel left out, I've never seen a single episode o ANTM...
ignorance of the term 'dusting' unintentionally reveals that you are not a follower of the greatest television series ever broadcast - buffy the vampire slayer.
ReplyDeletei would recommend you remedy that quickly and netflix up season 1 and 2. if you have some reluctance, i understand that... i remember what my impression of the show was before getting into it -- i could never have imagined liking it, particularly after seeing the horrid film version (which shares nothing in common with the show other than the title). but it is easily the best written show i've ever seen... and this is coming from an avid fan of the west wing, lost, bsg, and six feet under.
so say we all.
If you don't want to interrupt your Netflix queue just yet you can also watch the first two seasons of Buffy on Hulu.com. I also recommend giving them a shot.
ReplyDeleteWHERE IN THE WORLD did you manage to find a copy of [REC]? My torrent for it refuses to move, and I honestly can't find it anywhere else on the intertubes.
ReplyDelete