"You're all going to die down here..."

Hold on to your pants, 'cause I've got some shocking news for you: someday, you're going to die. Don't worry- we all are...yes, even me (most likely). Now, this is not something we humans especially enjoy thinking about. In fact, it's only by ignoring our inevitable expiration dates that we can function on a day to day basis. In other words, it's good to have a touch of that "I'm fucking invincible!" attitude, lest you spend your days curled up in a corner alternately sobbing, fretting, and pondering the great beyond.

I'm not saying that one shouldn't reflect now and again, don't get me wrong. Isn't that why some of us watch horror films? To safely experience death? That's what people say, anyway, and maybe it's partially true. After all, it's good to be aware of The End, 'cause maybe that awareness will make you appreciate The Now. Isn't that what everyone always says after some sort of tragedy? "Wow, 10 zillion people died in that natural disaster halfway around the world. It really makes you think- I could die at any moment! I'm totally going to carpe fucking diem!" While the intentions may be honorable, however, folks tend to carpe fucking diem for a few days at a time max- then it's back to bitching about the weather, making fun of other people's clothes, not calling one's friends and family, playing "me first!" in the parking lot, staring at the TV, or spending hours writing on some horror blog. It's natural- if you actually lived every day as if it were your last, you'd probably be exhausted.

This is all an overly-effusive introduction to what's perhaps a banal question: What's the least pleasant type of horror movie death? Let's figure that out. See, it's almost fun to talk about death within the confines of fakery and fantasy, whereas the reality of death is, you know, a drag. To wit:

• death by Ebola: possible, drag
• death by zombies: most likely impossible, fun

Incidentally, I think that being torn asunder by zombies whilst alive would really really suck, and that's what gets my vote for the worst. Weigh in with your votes in the comments, and then go for a walk.

OW.