Bloggenaire: Joel Harley, Porkhead's Horror Review Hole

Joel Harley's blog, Porkhead's Horror Review Hole, isn't nearly as disturbing as the juxtaposition of the words "porkhead" and "hole" may lead you to expect it to be. Or maybe you expect something totally different than what I expected, I can't really say. That's because I'm not you. I'm also not Joel Harley, and therefore the answers below are not mine. They're his. I just blew your mind, didn't I?

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

Possibly that time when I watched that movie and realized I couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer. My witless opinion needs hearing.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

The sleaziest movie review site on the web. Might not be aesthetically pleasing, but it’s more fun than a dose of electromagnetic shocks up the arse. Morbidly interesting, I suppose.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

Yes, because 2006’s Wicker Man has Nic Cage punching women in the face whilst dressed as a bear. And I Know Who Killed Me has Lindsay Lohan hopping around on an artificial leg. Name me one legitimately good movie that boasts *those* particular treasures.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

No, I didn’t know that. But they definitely should show more of that sorta thing on The Discovery Channel.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Evil Dead 2.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

She was good in Escape from New York and The Fog. I just looked on IMDB, and I saw she was in Arkham Asylum. Infinite kudos.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

They shouldn’t. But, I suppose, it’s the best place to go if you like semi-coherent ranting about Twilight and lots of swearing.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

Abuse of some grant from Marie Curie Cancer Care, perhaps?

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

The one about the “deviant” entertainment thing, probably. That’s why I watch them. Although the Continuous Reward theory’s a good one too.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

Yeesh, I’m tempted to say 1977 simply because of The Hills Have Eyes, but 81 did yield American Werewolf, My Bloody Valentine and The Burning. I love me some Bloody Valentine.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Apparently it originated with the Marquis De Sade, and his ilk. Kinda figures. Haute Tension is hella overrated though, dare I say it.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Piranha. Bring on the remake.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

Self-loathing? Masochism? Insanity? Whatever, I got me a ton of mileage out of all that Zombieweiner hate.

Hating Zombieweiner: now in three dimensions!

14) What are your funereal wishes?

I want to be buried in a crate full of my DVDs, comics and assorted shit. I want to be wearing my Texas Chainsaw Massacre t-shirt. No-one, at any point (EVER) quotes the lyrics to “Candle in the Wind”. But “Bat out of Hell” and “Highway to Hell” must be played as my coffin is dumped in the ground. Finally, someone has to change my facebook status update to read “is dead”.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Well, she was one of Charlie’s Angels. Nuff said, really.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

Something profound and witty.

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

Good ‘O. Worry not, I want these things to be known anyway. I swear, anyone even mentions “Candle in the Wind”, I shall rise from my coffin and… sorry.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Make it yourself: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Lye

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Meh, the jerks are the best characters. I generally prefer it when all the nice people die first.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

Most likely the 80s, funny as that sounds. Both Evil Dead, the best Friday, the best 3 Nightmares… and all the good 70s’ shit would’ve been out on VHS by then anyway.

21) Would you rather be: 1) a vampire 2) a witch/warlock 3) a werewolf 4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better) 5) a Jaws

A vampire, but not a sparkly one.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

No, because when Ashton Kutcher tried that, all his arms and legs fell off and he ended up married to Demi Moore.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

Well, since you asked: yes, I think I might actually be a bit gay for Bruce Campbell.

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Big thanks to Joel! Kids, if you're a horror blogger and you want to be featured here, then read and find out how. Meanwhile, keep your dial set to Final Girl for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!