Film Club: The Church

Has anything good ever come from the wholesale slaughter of witches, pagans, or villagers possessed by demons? No! Has anything good ever come from the constructions of buildings and/or neighborhoods over burial grounds? No! Has anything good ever come from tampering with protective seals created to keep evil at bay? No, no, a thousand times no! The dummies in The Church (1989) don't know any of this, however, so by the time it's all said and done, they've brought plenty of demon-flavored tomfoolery (and death) down on their own heads.


In a nutshell: the Teutonic Knights laid waste to a village thought to be full of evil demons and demonic evil. After some holy rituals, the evil is entombed in the ground and a church built over the spot. A bored librarian deciphers a parchment that ain't meant to be deciphered and the next thing you know, all Hell sort of breaks loose. An odd assortment of teenagers, school children, old people, and fashion models are trapped within the church (gotta love Italian horror movies!) as visions of sugarplums Teutonic Knights, demons, and demonic fish-creatures dance in their heads. It makes a marginal amount of sense, but I was expecting it to make none whatsoever, so that's a plus!


As The Church is also known as Demons 3, I was expecting some crazy gore on par with Lamberto Bava's Demons- both are (co)written and produced by Dario Argento, after all- but director Michele Soavi keeps things rather restrained and tasteful. Yes, I say this about a film that features a woman clanging the church bell with her husband's decapitated head and a full-on horned/winged goat demon - naked lady sex scene!


It's obvious that Soavi was trying to aim a little higher than the average horror film, at least in terms of visuals. The Church is frequently pretty to look at and interestingly choreographed, the bodies rising from the pit en masse scene stands out in particular.

There's a chance, though, that the film is a bit too restrained at times. Certain passages are a bit plodding and could've used a bit of that foamy green demon drool used so liberally by Bava. On the other hand, The Church expands the Demons mythology nicely and explains just enough to satisfy.


A young Asia Argento appears throughout, though I'm not quite sure what function the character, Lotte, really serves. She was also present during the Teutonic raid, but this notion isn't really explored until the movie's final act and even then, it's only touched upon. Does she have some special significance? Is she a reincarnation? She plays a role in the finale, but her "I'm all OG with this church!" shit doesn't really have any bearing on events. Oh well. Who cares? It's Asia Argento! I was rather distracted the entire time because once I noticed her striking resemblance to Kimmie Gibler, I couldn't get it out of my head.


Of course, she no longer looks like Kimmie Gibler. I suppose you could say that she's grown up quite nicely. I suppose you could also say that I wonder why Asia Argento and I are not married, or at least having a dalliance. I'm sorry if you're reading this and that embarrasses you mom, but the fact is, the whole entire world wants to have sex with Asia Argento. Back me up, people!

Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, The Church. I liked it!

Film Club Coolies! Give 'em love!
---------------------------------------------
Dave's Blog About Movies and Such
Maynard Morrisey's Horror Movie Diary
Undy a Hundy
I Will Devour Your Content
strange spanners
Thrill Power!
This girl digs horror
The Horror Section
Horror Gore and More
The Agitation of the Mind
hold onto yr genre
Celeberrimous
Cinema Gonzo