awesome movie poster friday - the AUSSIE edition!

Guys, geez, don't avoid these films just because they're from Australia. Order up some Outback Steakhouse takeaway, grab any one of these and have a good time...on the barbie, know what I mean?

Good, because I don't.

But for serious, there are some terrific horror movies from...I was going to say the land down under, but I will refrain...Australia. Feel like watching some crazy big animal go nuts? Then hold hands with Razorback! Or Rogue or Black Water! Want to get your stylish violence on? Wolf Creek awaits! Or maybe you're into really really great cerebral horror that has no interest in holding your hand at all...in that case, Lake Mungo and Picnic at Hanging Rock might be for you (no joke, Lake Mungo is so good) (I mean, so is Picnic at Hanging Rock, but everybody knows that).

Oh muh gah, remember when, thanks to Crocodile Dundee, America went through that crazy for Australia phase and then they made Shrimp on the Barbie starring Cheech Without Chong and Emma Samms of television's General Hospital and Dynasty? Now that's horrifying.

Gather 'round whilst I tell the tale...

...of the next Film Club choice!

YES I've got a bad case of Slasher Fever (and an unrelated rash)!

YES I've seen this movie before and

YES I've even reviewed it before and

NO I do not care!

Let us all get gorked out and talk about...

HELL NIGHT (1981)

I've been dying- DYING I SAY- to rewatch this one and so I'm going to and I'm dragging you all with me. So I'm gonna bust out my VHS copy and you guys can stream it or rent it or whatever it is you guys are gonna do. Here is how you can get your Film Club on!

1. watch the movie
2. write a review or post pictures of your Hell Night cosplay (PLEASE DO THAT)
3. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review
4. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com
5. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

That's it! If you wrote a review of Hell Night a million years ago and you want to be included, that's fine. Just add the link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

Sometimes emails end up in spam, sometimes they don't go through at all. If Film Club day rolls around and you're not listed, it's a mistake, it's not personal, geez. Send me a note or leave a comment and I'll fix it. Film Club time is crazy! So.

The film: Hell Night (1981)
The due date: Monday, February 13

awesome movie poster friday - the SLASHER MISH-MASH edition!

Thanks to this I have been knee-deep in slasher flicks for days and days and it's been a real treat. I mean, slashers are the reason I started this blog way back when, and I've had much fun reveling in them again. They're just terrible and awesome! Like the ad for Girls Nite Out...what the heck is that all about? It's everything that's awful and great about these movies wrapped up in one little piece.

And what's this "mish-mash" all about? Well, I've got some posters and some VHS boxes and some newspaper ads and I'm rolling around in The Good Old Days. Totally!

Getcher mini-comic here!

Okay guys, Slashers 101 is done and ready to be printed! And then MAILED! Here's the cover again to jog your memory...and page 1, too!



I set up a STORE FRONT (oh, it looks so bare) where you can order it. $5.00 only! OR...$10 only for the sketch edition. The difference? The sketch edition includes a sketch on the back cover. Just tell me what you want- what you really, really want- and I'll draw it for you. Neat!

I hope you like it. I think it's pretty fun, but then I made it, so.

Edited to add a couple of things!

- For the sketch edition, I love you but try to keep them simple please! EG, "Jason Voorhees and his mom" is better than "Jason Voorhees and his mom at a tailgate party with the cast of Gimme a Break!" What I mean is, it's better for me- these are $5 sketches, after all. Although now I want to do Jason and his mom with Nell Carter and the brood....also and The Brood. Anyway, you know what I mean and I hope that's not gross to say. I will give you a good sketch no matter what, don't worry!

- I'm only going to the post office once a week- Thursdays or Fridays- so that will affect the shipping time, depending.

"The only reason she babysits is to have a place for..."

"Shit."

"I have a place for that."

Here is a thing...

...that I am doing!


It's a mini-comic (meaning, 8.5" x 5.5" DIY, baby). It's about time I did something like this! Basically, if someone were to ask you "What's a slasher movie?" and you'd read this comic, you would be able to answer. It's funny and full of facts and cool stuff. Neat! Why anyone would ask you that question I don't know, but people are weird and great sometimes.

Anyway, if I can help it I don't like to put stuff out there until it's DONE because things happen and stuff doesn't get finished or it must get put on the waaaaaay back burner or what have you. But! This will be done Monday and I wanted to share the cover because I think it's pretty spiff. Final page count is still unclear, but it will fall in the 24-28 range, most likely. It will be so cheap you'll puke your pants! I will let you know how to get one when I know how you can get one. I know it's DIY and a mini-comic, but I don't want the printing to be shitty. And I'd like the cover to be in color, like you see it. So I'll figure that all out!

And there will be a Final Girl book of sorts for everyone to hold! I hope it'll be just a part of something larger, but who knows yet.

More like "The Return the DVD to the Shelf", Amirite?

Okay, maybe that's not fair. Actually, a more fitting title for The Return (2006) would be Sarah Michelle Gellar Looking at Things.









Gellar stars as Joanna, a young woman who...looks at things....as she attempts to figure out what the heck is going, which is weird because that's exactly what the audience does at the same time! Joanna is plagued by nightmares and visions and perhaps a dude in cruddy overalls who insists he just wants to talk to her but come on- we all know that he really wants to kill her.

And that's about it, for 90 minutes. The pieces sloooowly (those extra "o"s indicate emphasis with a capital HOLY CRAP THIS MOVIE IS QUIET AND SLOW BUT NOT IN A WAY THAT'S, LIKE, ATMOSPHERIC MORE JUST LIKE YOU WILL NOD OFF) come together as Joanna confronts her past and looks at more and more things. If you've ever said to yourself or someone else "You know, I really like the long-haired ghost girl Asian horror movies, like Ringu and stuff? But I don't like the scary parts, I only really like the mystery!", then you will be touching yourself or someone else over The Return- it plays like the obligatory mystery portion of an Asian ghost-filled horror flick. The film arrived during that wave of Asia Remake-a-Mania and because Gellar also starred in the wildly successful The Grudge, posters and ads were all "Oh yeah, you love this Asian shit and look! Sarah Michelle Gellar is here and she was in The Grudge and that was scary, so you know The Return is going to be scary because why would we lie?", but lie they did! The Return is far more thriller than horror; Joanna needs to solve the mystery not to bust ghosts or what have you, but so she can make an attempt at having a well-adjusted life.

As Joanna, Gellar is...well, it's hard to say. It's difficult to bring much energy to a lethargic film and a role that requires lots of...you know, looking. To be honest, it's difficult for me to judge Sarah Michelle Gellar objectively because of Buffy. It's probably ridiculous, but she's just one of those people- like Kristen Bell (Veronica fucking Mars) or everyone on Battlestar Galactica- who will always get a pass from me. She could be the worst actress to have ever drawn a breath, and I will just not see it. But while watching The Return, I admit, I felt a tug of "I guess she needed to pay the mortgage..." in my brain. I felt it tug harder when Sam Shepard showed up, though, so there you go.

I suppose it's not a terrible film. It sure looks nice, but the pacing absolutely kills it. When the pieces finally come together, you'll perhaps perk up a bit, realizing you've slumped far, far down into the sofa over the last 85 minutes. You'll have a drink of water, say "Oh, okay. Yeah, that's what I figured was going on", turn it off, and shuffle off to bed for the night. Perhaps it's best to think of The Return as a sleep aid. It's like Lunesta for the eyes!

I'm not sure if that makes any sense, actually, but it'd still be a more appropriate marketing campaign for this movie.