Children of the Corn: Genesis

What the hell was that?

Man oh man, Children of the Corn: Genesis (2011) felt longer than the previous seven films in the series combined. The thing is, though, I was actually with it until the last ten minutes or so, which is actually when stuff, like, happens. Yeah, this tale of a married couple who wander onto the remote desert property of a wackadoo preacher and his mail order bride in search of a phone only to find sinister goings-on treads familiar ground. Sure, it's not very good. Sure, it's not particularly related to any other CotC films beyond brief mentions of Gatlin and He Who You Know You Know. I found it somewhat intriguing and watchable, however, thanks to the cast.

Billy Drago mumbles his way through a performance that leaves you wondering whether he's perpetuating evil or keeping it in check. Barbara Nedeljakova vamps her way through a performance that leaves you wondering the same. And as young, pregnant marrieds Allie and Tim, Kelen Coleman and Tim Rock are downright charming. All was fairly well, if more than a bit slow with a capital Can I Please Go to Bed Now, I Have Had Enough of These Corn-nanigans.

Then the last ten minutes happens all in a hurry and the mystery is gone and it ends on a note flatter than a dirt road through Nebraska. Sigh. What a bummer of a way to end The Corn-ening! Although, I should be thankful: this was better than Part V, at least.

And just like that, it's over. I don't have to watch another Children of the Corn movie. I don't know how to feel right now. Tell me what to do, He Who Walks Behind the Rows! I am lost without you.