Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice

Can you believe that the world had to wait until 1992 for a CotC sequel? Sure, eight years is an awfully long time, but let's face it: finery such as this needs to gestate. You can't rush a masterpiece, amirite? I am.

I know what you're thinking: sure, masterpieces can't be rushed. But Stacie, are you really calling Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice a masterpiece?

OF COURSE I AM! Look, the movie begins with a corpse party when all the dead adults of Gatlin, Nebraska are found. Usually we have to wait until the last ten minutes of a horror movie for someone to stumble upon a room full of bodies- but not here. The Final Sacrifice flouts conventions and busts out the awesome right from the get-go and it just doesn't stop. To wit, the film features:

• a character- whose last name is Casual- wearing a t-shirt with shoulder pads
• a sadistic youth wearing the same shirt as CotC's Malachi...but he's named Mordechai
• a wise Native American named Frank Redbear who tells the story of the corn and stuff via petroglyph reading
• "FRANK REDBEAR"
• the line "What is all this shit about the corn?"
• there is some fine-ass world's first CGI / Spencer's Gifts effects going on as New Isaac Micah's body is disassembled and...reassembled?...in the void? I don't know, there were a lot of globular things floating around
• everything in the two movies so far is apparently caused by moldy corn
• we are regularly treated to He Who Walks Behind the Rows-Cam. He Who Walks Behind the Rows really gets around, and perhaps should also be called He Who Stands by the Side of the Road and/or He Who Hangs Out in the Woods
• the children of the corn take control of an elderly woman's electric wheelchair via remote control and steer her out into traffic...she is then hit by a dump truck. Woman and chair fly through the air and crash through a storefront window and it's probably the best thing I'm going to see all day ever
• the Good Guys (including Shoulder Pads Casual) set Frank Redbear atop a funeral pyre in the middle of a corn field (don't worry, he was dead) and then drive off into the sunrise, never stopping to consider that perhaps there's a Gladys Redbear or something out there who may want to know where the fuck her husband is

I mean, I kind of feel like The Final Sacrifice is a secret that's been kept from me for the last 20 years. HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD ALL OF YOU?

Now then, I am on to the third film. How does this make sense when Part II was supposed to be the final sacrifice? I can't wait to find out!

Oh, and remember: today is the Corn-ening-a-thon. If you haven't pitched in to the Alex and Jo fund, please consider it!