Children of the Corn

Is it just me, or was Children of the Corn a veritable classic back in the 80s? I mean, it was the thing to see for a good long while, at least among the young folk. Killer kids movies were few and far between during that time: Village of the Damned and The Bad Seed were well behind us, Birthday of Blood was obscure...there simply wasn't much out there for those of us looking for a good old-fashioned children vs adults flick- which, by the way, is what everybody should be looking for if you ask me. It's no surprise, then, that Isaac and Malachi walked out of the corn and into our hearts. But! How does it hold up after all these years?

Pretty well, for the most part. The culling scenes that start the film are effective and are good at establishing that the kids of Gatlin, Nebraska are a bunch of dead-eyed assholes. It's still a delight to see Malachi get his just desserts. He Who Walks Behind the Rows is still a mystery wrapped in dodgy special effects. The plot still relies on the stupidity of the main characters.

Don't you miss Linda Hamilton? I sure do. She was such a fixture of the mid-late 80s, it bums me out that she's been MIA practically ever since. Unfortunately, the woman who personified badassery as Sarah Connor in Terminator is stuck playing a 2-note character in CotC; those two notes, incidentally, are "nag" and "whimper/scream helplessly". Vicky seems solely to exist to give her boyfriend Burt (Peter Horton) someone to rescue. She's completely useless, like a soggy piece of white bread in the bottom of a kitchen sink. It's a shame, a waste, a travesty I tells ya!

But all in all, Children of the Corn is still a decent way to spend an hour and a half. You could make a drinking game out of it by taking a shot every time there's a close-up of a weapon or a farm implement. You can spend hours debating how the children continue to exist for years after killing all of the adults in town. You can try to figure out how Burt and Vicky and all the children are going to get on with their lives sans corn. You can think about the ways in which Isaac resembles Tangina from Poltergeist. You can debate all the mixed messages the film sends: religion is largely a sham! Isaac is a wackadoo! No wait, Isaac was right! Children of the Corn is a never-ending cob of fun.

And I do mean never-ending. I have seven more movies to watch!