The Five Best Vampires

Lawd-a-lawdy, The Internet sure loves a list, don't it? And why not- they're easy to digest, like mashed potatoes. Who doesn't like mashed potatoes? Only jerks, no doubt. People also love getting incensed over lists: "I know this is a list of 10 zombie movies but I can't believe you left out these other 532986 zombie movies how could you you don't know what you're talking about this list sucks gfffarrrrgleeeeeee APOPLEXY"

Sometimes, when a person's blood is all fired up like that, he or she cannot understand that lists are generally meant to provoke conversation. Yes, if someone were to make a list of, say, the 20 most important slasher films and that list didn't include John Carpenter's Halloween, well, it would be right to question the exclusion and/or the sanity of the listmaker. In fact, that's exactly what I did many moons ago regarding a Top 10 Best Slasher Films list that included Cabin Fever. Final Girl was very young, and I was all "what in the what?" over it, all brazen brashness in a blazer (I WISH) as I took the mighty Kim Morgan to task over the inclusion of Eli Roth's film. What happened from there? She and I discussed that shit. In the years since (years, what the heck...Final Girl is a Final Woman now for sure), we have discussed much more. I discovered that although I disagree with her opinions once in a while, Kim Morgan knows her shit, I love her writing, and I'm always learning something new from her. My point is, lists! Debate! Learn! Grow! Hold hands and sway together, softly humming until you creep each other out.

Except this time.

That's right. My list of the Five Best Vampires is totally immutable! Why? Because it has been scientifically proven, in fact, to be a list of the Five Best Vampires.

Well, "scientifically proven" if you take my opinion as scientific fact, which you totally should.

Now then. You can just put away your debatin' hat and pull up your pants, my friends, because here it is, I'm layin' it down.

THE FIVE BEST VAMPIRES- in order!

1. All lesbian vampires (except for the ones in this movie)

2. Mr. Barlow or Nosferatu, aka any creepy gross-looking vampire

3. Christopher Lee as Dracula

4. The vampire puppy from the end of Zoltan, Hound of Dracula

5. Zoltan, Hound of Dracula

And that's it! I know, you're going to say "But what about the dirty vampires in Near Dark?" or "You asshole, why isn't Eli from Let the Right One In on this list?" or "Go kill yourself, loser, Gary Oldman as Dracula is the best, this list is so lame and I repeat: go kill yourself"...but hey, sorry, man. You can't fight science!