VHS Week Day 4: LEVIATHAN (1989)

Well, I suppose I was expecting perfect for VHS kind of fun sometimes but mostly garbage when I popped in Leviathan and that's exactly what I got. It's nice when life works out that way, isn't it? Everything is tied up with a nice little bow and you feel the certain satisfaction that a job well done brings, even though you didn't do anything. So soothing, so soothing.

All that said, holy fucking shit there were parts of this movie that were excruciating to sit through. At the 15 minute mark, in fact, I considered throwing in the towel and swapping this shit out for just about anything (but not you again, Shadow Dancing...you go sit in the corner and think about what you've done). What got the flames of my ire fire burning so bright? This guy did:

"Wowee wow wow! Honk honk! ArOOOOgah! Humina humina wolf whistle! Hatchi matchi! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-nnn-nggg!"

That screencap tells you everything you need to know about the character called "Sixpack", as if his name wouldn't do the job in and of itself. Sixpack is an underwater miner who sexually harasses his female co-miners to the point of...well, okay. Have you ever seen one of those anti-sexual harassment videos that places of business have to show new employees? The ones with actors playing out various scenarios that are so completely over-the-top you just have to laugh because humans don't really interact that way? Sixpack is the awful dude in all those videos times a billion. He gropes, he stares, he touches, he makes lewd comments, he grabs, he busts out Penthouse at the dinner table...I mean, he's a caricature beyond belief. I imagine that if poor Daniel Stern felt the need to ask director George Cosmatos about his motivation, the answer would have been a simple, "You're an asshole."

While there are still Sixpack-esque characters in movies today–Diet Sixpacks, if you will–they're a lot less common and they don't tend to harass or objectify women to this extent anymore. Wow, we really have come a long way, baby!

Luckily, Sixpack is killed off fairly quickly (OH WOW SPOILER ALERT), because of course he is, because he's the asshole. Therefore, I was able to watch the rest of Leviathan without having to worry about blood pressure spikes and/or rage-induced hulk-outs.

Oh yeah, "underwater miners". Let's just sum this shit up with some math, okay? Everybody loves math.

It's so Alien underwater it's nuts. A bunch of working-class everyfolk only care about getting paid! A thing that turns into a penis-worm-looking thing is brought aboard the ship and kills kills kills! Computers must be consulted! A sweaty black dude wears a headband! Ooze oozes through metal grates! The two female characters are "strong" (she starts "astronaut training" two days after this job ends) and "not strong" (she cries)! There's a heartless company overseeing the entire operation, and they only care about the bottom line!

Leviathan isn't terrible, per se. Faint praise, I know, but it's not as if I went into this expecting a masterpiece. The schlock in between "everything until Sixpack dies" and "did you really just end this movie by having a woman get punched in the face" is occasionally gross and somewhat enjoyable. Ultimately, though, you'd have a better time sticking your feet in a bucket of water and watching Alien.