It has been some time since I have gone trick or treating, but man, I still should because it's just such a great idea: put on a mask and demand candy from your neighbors! What's not to like about that? And while sure, free candy is the best candy and there's "no such thing as a bad gift," I think we can all agree that there is, in fact, a hierarchy of candy. As my gift to you, here is the INDISPUTABLE ranking from worst to best. Print it out and keep it in your pocket!
"Nature's Candy" aka FRUIT
Don't even try with this healthy shit. Apples are for any day besides October 31st! Even if they didn't fly in the face of everything that is good and proper with regards to the All Hallows spirit, are you crazy? You think I'm going to bite into this? Please, I've seen
Halloween II.
CANDY BUTTONS
Is this a joke? Because I don't like jokes. This is the absolute worst candy. It looks like a mistake, like they were cleaning the nozzles on the machines that squirt out some superior candy, and some fat cat at Big Candy was like "Hey, that's still candy. Fuck it, let's sell it!" Seriously, the paper sticks to them because they're basically just garbage. Get this shit away from me and count yourself lucky if I don't come back to burn your house down after you try to put this shit in my plastic pumpkin. Anyone who buys or enjoys candy buttons is an asshole, THE END.
CIRCUS PEANUTS
Just call them by their real name, "SATAN'S TESTICLES." Don't go near these abominations.
DUM DUMS
What am I, Kojak? So gross, and then I have to deal with the stick when I'm done. I don't need my candy to be a hundred-step process, just let me cram it in my mouth and be done with it. (Yes, that is what she said.) The root beer ones are the only ones that are passable, and they will be the last thing left at the bottom of the plastic pumpkin. So you reach in, thinking YES I have some candy left, and you pull out a fucking Dum-Dum. The disappointment is crushing–it proves Halloween is well and truly over and you have, like, a bunch of days to wait for the next one.
MARY JANES
What in the depression era shoe leather-looking HELL are these things? These are some Dust Bowl treats for sure, and...wait, these are actually kind of good.
TIE: WHOPPERS AND REESES PIECES
Now we're talking. Thank you for giving me these instead of wasting my time!
CANDY CORNS
YES, "CORNS." Look, candy corns are actually kind of gross but they are also delicious and you
have to have them at this time of year. They are like a horror fan's communion wafers! Still, though, if you try to give me the ones with the brown instead of the yellow I will throw them in you face so BEWARE.
MOUNDS
Besides the corns, this is the only candy that is needed. It has been scientifically proven! I can't find the link right now, but you should trust me, I read it.
What is your stance on tiny boxes of like 4-5 Milk Duds?
ReplyDeleteWow, pro corn. Didn't expect that. Good for you. GOOD FOR CANDY.
ReplyDeleteI went through a Milk Duds phase once upon a time, but now I'd say they're lower half of the spectrum for me as I'm not huge fan of caramel. (Related: I hate it when people pronounce it "car-mull") You did remind me, however, that those tiny boxes of Junior Mints should have been included even though the boxes are kind of annoying and the candies are basically shellacked.
ReplyDeleteOh and yeah, I'm definitely pro-corns even though secretly I know they'r gross. It's like being a fan of a lot of slasher movies, really.
ReplyDeleteYES! Another candy corn enthusiast!
ReplyDeleteOn a related note, while I applaud the ingenuity, I cannot support the existence of "candy corn Oreos." Candy corn = yes. Oreos = yes. Candy corn oreos = abomination.
hey ponder, will you and what's her face do a Scare-ening for halloween, please? so much to talk about since the last one! you don't have to print this on your site, just think about it cause you are great. sincerely, chip
ReplyDeleteHa, thank you!It is definitely something to consider, since they are always fun to do. I will see what's up with what's-her-name! ;)
ReplyDeleteI actually handed out pencils one year, hoping my house would be burned down for insurance purposes. Didn't work.
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the best/funniest FG posts ever. More! More! More! I hope this Shocktober keeps up everyday of October. It gives up all life (no foolin'). And is it wrong that I laughed at Heidi being referred to as "what's her face?"
ReplyDeleteI think people that give out strips of candy buttons should have their yard TPed with all the strips of candy buttons they gave out.
ReplyDeleteAffy Tapples are mandatory. Candy corns are also mandatory, but I only really want one of those single-serve packets per year, but it comes by the pound. You brought me back to that moment in third grade where I begrudgingly started in on the Mary Jane tier and realized they were almost Bit-O-Honeys.
Mounds? I always wondered who the "sometimes you don't feel like a nut" person was, it's YOU!
Scare-ening YES PLEASE. I vote for no callers and the best part is when you get way off-topic. Delightful.