"Relax...I'm not some kind of crazy killer."

Can you guys believe that Killer Workout has been on DVD and Blu-ray for longer than one minute and I have not upgraded from my VHS copy? Can you also believe that I've talked about it so much but have never properly reviewed it? What is even wrong with me?

This question slapped me right in my face earlier today when Jason, having been recently touched by the film for the very first time, inducted Killer Workout into his long-running "Thursday's Ways Not To Die" series at My New Plaid Pants.

His post got me thinkin' about it, dang it. I need to slap on a leotard ("No, you don't!" -- everyone) and make the jump to modern disc-based technology so I can post some screencaps and gifs and finally, finally do a Killer Workout masterpost.

I am glad, however, that Jason giffed this moment, for it's one of my favorite moments in the film. Just another gal caught playin' with a jockstrap!

Oh my God, I love Killer Workout.

It's voterin' time!

So I'm perusing my local Redbox selections (maybe I'll rent The Visit? Maybe Truth, though. Or Sicario? Nasty Baby? maybe I won't go outside?) and I come across this movie:

Okay, sure. I'm not interested in the film or learning anything about it or what the plot is or if you've seen it and here's what you think or whatever. I've just decided not to dedicate any of my brain space to this particular film–all apologies to everyone involved in making it–but if you saw it and liked it, that's great.

However, I have decided to dedicate way too much of my brain to that title and whether it means 1) Grandpa is a psycho, or 2) Grandpa has a psycho. The tagline doesn't much help by way of hints! So mysterious, this Grandpa's Psycho. Let's solve this one with a tried-and-true method: an online poll!

Is Grandpa a psycho, or does Grandpa *have* a psycho?

Grandpa is a psycho

Grandpa has a psycho

Look, call me when it's "Grandpa vs Norman Bates"

No

Do Quizzes

I'm excited to find out what you decide! Also, I am unsure why the poll widget is aggressively wide, but what can you do.

Also also, speaking of voting, Final Girl is nominated for a Rondo Award! This is indeed an honor and I am grateful for the nomination. If you want to vote then by all means, clicken ze click click. However, if there's one thing that Carol not getting nominated for Best Picture proves, it's that all awards–every last one of them!–are a total sham. So you can just take your "#1 Dad" coffee mug and your "Best Mom" throw pillow and throw them in the garbage! (But thanks for the Rondo nomination just the same.)

A Tribute to...

...guys chopping wood in horror movies!

There's a scene in The Witch where William gets his wood choppin' on, and when it happened I thought to myself..."Hmm. That is a thing in horror movies!" and then I went back to concentrating on The Witch because it is so good. I know, I know! I am a deep thinker. But you know what, it is a thing. The menfolk got the rage inside of 'em, you see, and those feelings need sublimatin'. The only way they can let them out beyond, like, killing their family or other folks is to get sweaty, to sometimes take off their shirts, and chop the fuck outta some wood. Yay!

Unless, of course, you're Friday the 13th's Steve Christy, in which case you're not chopping because you're angry, it's just that there's a shit ton of stuff to do before Camp Blood reopens.

(The Witch gif courtesy of pal Jason of My New Plaid Pants)

Ye gvd of Masfachusets Bay Colanee and oyerwise

Think not on the Fear that lyes vpon yy head and heart. Trust Yyself, Trust The VVitch, vnburthen Yyself and seest svch Entertaynments for the bettering of thy mind.

Or something. Basically I am still unpacking my thoughts and feelings about The Witch too much to write anything resembling a proper (or even proper-ish) review, but I thought I would chime in here to say that I loved it. So there.

...uh, Movie Poster Friday

What in the puking nun HELL is this?

Okay, whoa whoa, I am going to pump the brakes on my hate. While nothing has ever made me feel older and less "with" "it" than this instagram motif nonsense, there is a part of me that digs it. Well, I dig the idea of it, at least. Maybe not quite as a poster, but as a marketing tactic, sure. Look at The Blair Witch Project–social media and La Internette can surely be used to great ends to make a movie feel ALIVE, ALIVE, ALIVE. (Man, I have a hankerin' to watch The Funhouse.)

However.

If you are going to come up with this "look at my new house, we are moving in!" idea, marketing people, then for fuck's sake...please spring for some actual photography so it looks as if "Rebelleous99" has taken an actual picture of an actual house and an actual moving truck. As it stands, it looks as if she found some Amityville fanart and right-clicked that shit.

On the other hand, it also looks like something Thomas Kinkade might have shat out whilst being tormented in the pits of Hell, and I'm into that.

Wanna feel old?

The It's Alive baby is all grown up. Here's what he looks like now!