This site has been such a large part of my life for so long that to be honest, I am not entirely sure what I will do without it, but this decision feels right for many reasons. Most of these reasons are not understandable, some of them are unshareable, and two of the reasons are Lunchable.
Final Girl is approaching its eleventh anniversary, and that is a long time! 11 years is almost 1/10th of my lifespan so far! Many things can change in 11 years, I don't need to tell you that. In the span of that 11 years, I've moved cross-country twice. I've lost a beloved pet. (I mean he died, not that he vanished and I don't know where he is.) For some of that 11 years, I knew what I was doing, I think. That is not really the case anymore. Sometimes it seems I have things figured out, but mostly it feels like I'll never have things figured out. "I must confess I've made a mess of what should be a small success"–that's a line (from one of my favorite songs of the last few years, Courtney Barnett is really great, you guys) that rings awfully true.
I know I'm probably not making sense. Let's just say that my relationships with horror and movies and horror movies have changed over the last decade.
I am maybe too quick to bug out when something's not working for me, be it a job or a city or a person or a hairstyle. At the first sign of strife, I make a rash decision that changes all of my circumstances. Usually listening to my gut or The Universe or whatever proves to be the right thing to do and life vastly improves.
Once in a while, though, I hang on to something just a bit too long. This isn't working for me, but the wages are nice. This isn't working for me, but the rent is cheap. This isn't working for me, but I like your face. This isn't working for me, but I guess you'll grow out at your own pace won't you.
I kind of feel like I've hung on to Final Girl for too long.
How could I not hang on? Again, it's been such a large part of my life. It's brought me great things, great opportunities and experiences, and great people. But at the present...I'm not sure what we're giving each other anymore. Or what I'm giving Final Girl, really. I can't be bothered to get worked up–negatively or positively–over some new piece of horror news. Horror movies now constitute approximately 10% of what I watch. When I do watch a horror movie, I no longer feel the need to pontificate, to judge, to have an opinion. It's not just about reviews, per se, it's about all of it. I've thought about turning this into a "movie blog" instead of a "horror movie blog" but this is a horror movie blog. And there's an abundance of those. Horror movie sites are everywhere. Plenty of people are writing lists and talking about Final Girls and examining this movie or that, and I don't much feel the need to add my voice to the din anymore. Ugh, I'm sick of myself and I'm tired of mouthing off...and what good is a blog if you're not gonna mouth off on it?
So what does all of this mean? Well, the site isn't going anywhere. It'll still exist, I'm not going to 404 it from The Information Superhighway. Briefcase Woman will never die! (More to the point, she cannot die.) I'm not cutting horror or horror movies out of my life completely, I just need to reevaluate my relationship to them. I need to write other things, and do other things. But who knows, maybe I will run a piece once in a while–I probably won't be able to resist Final Girl's siren song. I will update with any newsworthy news regarding...me. Regarding my work, I mean. But I won't be updating with any regularity, and you should know that because it's the worst when sites fall into limbo. I would say that maybe I'll find some kind of "Activia for the horror blogger" and my irregularity will become regularity–maybe Final Girl will be struck by lightning or accidentally resurrected via telekinesis. But then that would make this post and all of my fretting over it–and boy have I been fretting–silly. Sillier than it already is. Then again, as I said, I do love a rash decision!
Even if I vanish completely into the ether after hitting publish on this post, though, know that from the bottom of my tiny cold nub of a heart that I thank you. Thank you so much for reading over the years, for commenting and talking and sharing and making me feel like this has indeed been a worthwhile endeavor.
Edited to add: Listen you guys, wow wow. Thank you all so very much for all of the kind words here, in emails, on the Faceplace, all of it. I had no idea! It's incredibly humbling and, to be totally honest, more than a little motivating. It's a good thing I've left the door open here. *cackles, twirls metaphorical handlebar moustache*
