MOTEL HELL (1980)

I first encountered Motel Hell as a youth, in the pages of Fangoria magazine and let me tell you, it got my imagination fired up. I've found that many of my early impressions of films, formed the black-and-white or gore-drenched photos in Fango, are so off the mark as to be ridiculous. The magazine's stock-in-trade, after all, was the violence and its aftermath. Blood, body parts, unseeing eyes–every movie featured in its pages was made to look like the most depraved and disgusting thing you were ever likely to see. Everything felt taboo, the kind of "entertainment" parents worried about, the kind that would have you signing a blood oath to Satan and speaking in tongues before the credits rolled.

So that was my impression of Motel Hell in the (many) years before I actually saw it: that it would absolutely horrify me. It'd give me nightmares, and scare all the daylights out of me, the living ones and the dead ones alike. I had no idea whatsoever that it was a satirical comedy. It's entirely possible that I was secretly a very stupid child. But man, Fangoria! Inside were pictures of the people garden, complete with victims buried up to their slashed throats. And the cover was Farmer Vincent in all his pig head-wearing, chainsaw-wielding glory.

I'm sorry...was I not supposed to be afraid of that?

Watching it now for the third time, I still get li'l Final Girl's reaction. The film is still chock full of horrifying images (see above). The people garden is a bit freaky, in particular the raspy gurgling of those who've had their voice boxes severed.

But make no mistake, Motel Hell is indeed a horror comedy. Farmer Vincent Smith and his sister Ida run a small motel whose gift shop is full of Farmer Vincent's delicious smoked meat products. Unbeknownst to the public, including the Smith's sheriff brother, the deliciousness isn't solely thanks to secret herbs and spices. The real secret is that Vincent mixes human flesh with pork. He and Ida trap all manner o' do-wells and ne'er-do-wells, tenderize 'em in the people garden, then chop 'em, smoke 'em, package 'em, and sell 'em. Not only is this fun, it's their way of taking "responsibility for the planet." There are too many people and not enough food, so hey–two birds, one jerky. Or something like that.

Motel Hell is a takedown of all manner of "conservative values" and a commentary on capitalism and factory farming. The film points to the hypocrisy of meat eaters, law enforcement, or God-fearing "good folk." It's even a satirical take on the horror genre itself, with its stock characters (who often act exactly as nonsensically as the worst horror characters often do) and its Texas Chain Saw Massacre-esque villains.

To be fair, that all makes it sound smarter (or better) than it is. Motel Hell is largely a delight, due in no small part to the performances of Nancy Parsons and Rory Calhoun as Ida and Vincent, especially Calhoun. It's a bit of "Grand Duke Guignol," perhaps, seeing this familiar face from the westerns of the 1950s cackle maniacally beneath a pig's head as he swings around a chainsaw. The hapless victims who fill up the people garden are entertaining as heck–I always love a gang of movie punks, as we get here in the band Ivan and the Terribles (and yes, that's John Ratzenberger of television's Cheers on drums). I adore the ridiculous, shameless, kinky, overly-enthusiastic swingers and the two ski bunny sex workers as well.

The downside is that Motel Hell vastly overstays its welcome. Some judicious editing would have helped in many respects; many scenes go on too long, and some could have been excised entirely. It's got pacing issues that keep it from becoming a "must see," and yet it's also something of a genre classic. Hmm. Motel Hell is a fritter best served amongst friends, methinks. It'd be a fun Halloween party movie, where folks can catch the good bits in between doing, I don't know, Jello body shots or whatever it is they do at parties. My ultimate recommendation, however, is to "watch" it in a series of Fangoria photographs. It'll blow your mind!