One of the things I love most about Don't Go in the Woods...Alone is that it's really just a parade of the most random characters you've ever seen in your life going into the woods (often alone) and paying the ultimate price for their foolery. It's so very not-deep that it makes any Friday the 13th film seem like a rich character study speaking to the human condition. It's insane.
I love each and every random victim (and the few non-victims) in that movie (or "movie," really), so obviously SHOCKtober easily could have been DON'TGOINTHEWOODSALONEtober. But alas, I didn't think of that idea in time and so I can only choose but one to call my "favorite" and let me tell you, even in a roster chock full o' icons, it's an easy choice:
THE ROLLER SKATING HIKER IN DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE (1981)
LOOK AT HER GO! Honestly, as I sit here looking at that incredible action shot...call me a wackadoo but I think she might be my favorite random character in all of movie history? I can't help but ask a million questions that I in no way want answered. All of those one million questions can be assembled Voltron-style into one mega-question: What is her whole deal?
Like I said, I don't want any answers. I just want to appreciate her for what she is, aka the real Lady Liberty. Have any of us experienced the true blissful freedom that her akimbo arms indicate she is feeling? Imagine the strength that comes with waking up and thinking, "Fuck it, I'm gonna rollerskate up and down a mountain today" and then doing just that...kneecaps out there catching some nice breeze because you don't wear kneepads--you fear no gravel. You will rollerskate through the woods you have been advised not to go in alone because you fear no...whoever the fuck was killing everyone in this movie. In ten seconds of screen time she motivates the audience more than 1000 Tony Robbinses could ever hope to. She is so powerful, she should be on all denominations of all the currencies in the world.
I wonder what she's got in her backpack. I bet if there was some deleted scene where she opened it, it would let out a huge glow like the Pulp Fiction briefcase.
I'm kinda tired today, in case you can't tell.
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