Chilling Classics Cthursday: DEATH RAGE (1976)

I know, I know. You probably saw the title Death Rage and thought "Oh dip! You're telling me there was a Ju-on precursor made in 1976?" I thought the same thing! But no, this movie has nothing to do with Ju-on or people dying in the grip of rage and becoming curses. And quite frankly, we were both idiots, you and I, for thinking that it might! Yes, definitely the both of us. Yes.

The worst thing of all is that Death Rage has nothing to do with horror at all. It's another Bloody Brood--a public domain crime flick that must have had Mill Creek Entertainment execs (I use that term very loosely) (very) saying "Eh, who's gonna know it's not a "chilling" "classic"? It's not like anyone's gonna watch all fifty of the movies anyway, throw her in the box!"

It's disappointing, but on the bright side Death Rage isn't gouge-your-eyes-out disappointing. It's...fine. Although maybe that's worse? I don't know. It's muggy out there today, and it's got my brain feeling all ten kinds of gauzy!

Yul Brynner (!) is retired hitman Peter Marciani, who heads to Naples for a little revenge when he gets a hot tip about the mafioso who killed his brother years prior. Marciani was so notorious, apparently, that his rumored presence in Italy has the mafia scrambling and the polizia (headed up by Martin "Arbogast" Balsam) (!) trying to stave off a bloodbath in the streets.

Marciani kills and avoids getting killed as he searches for his target, taking some time to indulge the admiring gangster-wannabe Angelo (Massimo Ranieri) and have a little romance with nudie dancer Anny (giallo queen Barbara Bouchet). 

Again, this is a largely serviceable film: a by-the-numbers spaghetti crime thriller that doesn't particularly deliver any thrills, no matter how much its score (courtesy of Guido and Maurizio De Angelis, aka "Oliver Onions") tries to liven things up. We get a lot of men--mostly mustachioed--looking at each other across long distances, sometimes imparting "I am going to kill you" and sometimes imparting "Let's go kill that other guy." We get shootouts and foot chases, and we get the kind of car chases you've seen a hundred times before: overlong and accompanied by the distinct wailing of a European police siren; speeding through a street market and crashing into stalls, sending boxes and vegetables flying; boop-boop-booping down the wide staircases of a palazzo. 

If Death Rage is interesting at all, it's thanks to the cast. This is Brynner's last film before he returned to the stage as King Mongkut for endless revivals of The King and I, a performance he would give literally thousands of times over the course of his career. Marciani is tough guy-cool, always clad in black and looking like he was crafted from leather. They sure don't make 'em like ol' Yul any more. 

Balsam, who appeared in a number of these sorts of poliziotteschi flicks throughout the 70s, is of course always welcome. There's the glimmer of one of those "cop and bad guy have a mutual respect" relationships hinted at between the commissario and the hitman, but unfortunately Death Rage devotes more time to Marciani's relationship with two-bit up-and-comer Angelo...not to mention the inexplicable romance between Marciani and Anny. Bouchet is charming and lights up the screen (as you'd expect if you've seen, say, The Red Queen Kills Seven Times), but the "love story" here feels as formulaic as those vegetable-busting car chases.

But hey, like I said, you won't want to gouge your eyes out over this one. But there are surely better ways to spend your time with each of the stars of this cast than watching Death Blah.

Down in Peaceful Podcast Valley

Friend, if you're sitting there thinking "Man, there is nothing exciting happening in my earholes today!" well guess what? You're in luck because I had the good fortune to guest on the most recent episode of The Evolution of Horror, wherein host Mike Muncer and I discuss a veritable slew of animal attack movies from the early 1970s (and even a wee beyond). Anyone who's been haunting Stately Final Girl Manor for a minute or two knows that animals run amok is one of my favorite sub-genres, and we hit on pretty much all my faves over the course of the conversation: Frogs, The Swarm, Ants!, Kingdom of the Spiders, Day of the Animals, and on and on. I just love 'em, and I could have talked about them all day if the bandwidth allowed.

So! If you'd like to give it a listen, you can do so right on the Evolution of Horror website, or wherever you get your podcasts. My goodness, these movies rule.

Chilling Classics Cthursday: HORROR EXPRESS (1972)

Spanish delight Horror Express chugga choo-chooed into my heart during that mysterious time known as "2010." I didn't watch the Mill Creek version at the time, but I'm sure the quality was about on par with the Chilling Classics edition: it was one of those $0.79 DVDs you find at your Dollar Trees and your Odd Lots. Essentially they're Chilling Classics-grade films sold individually in cardboard sleeves, real bargain bin stuff, right down to the muddy transfers. Well let me tell you that even under such circumstances it was love at first squint between me and Horror Express, and we've renewed our vows to each other many times over the years known as "since 2010." But I won't lie to you: now I feast my eyes solely on the Arrow Blu-ray over any bargain bin editions, even when it's Chilling Classic Cthursday. Go figure!

I've written about this movie before--right after that initial viewing--in more synopsis-y detail, and covered it in episode 167 of Gaylords of Darkness a couple of years ago, so hey: If you want more narrative tidbits and expansive insights, check those out. As for the here and now, I'm just a girl standing sitting in front of a blog telling you some of the reasons why I love and adore this movie about a frozen fossil ape-man who thaws out on a trans-Siberian train in 1906 and causes deathly havoc.

-- It's about a frozen fossil ape-man who thaws out on a trans-Siberian train in 1906 and causes deathly havoc! What's not to love about that?

-- That's only the start of it. He is so much more than a frozen fossil ape-man! He is what Dolly Parton sang about in "Coat of Many Colors," okay? And also what Chaka Khan and Whitney Houston sang about in "I'm Every Woman." He contains multitudes. 

-- The "deathly havoc" he wreaks includes causing people to bleed out of all of their head holes as their eyes turn white. It's so cool.

-- Yes, that is Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing in that pic up top. Two of the greatest tastes to ever be tasted together! It's especially nice to see them together in Horror Express because here they are sorta rivals but mostly colleagues instead of confined to their usual vampire-vampire hater relationship. Also I love it when Christopher Lee has a moustache.

-- Eventually Telly friggin Savalas shows up as a crazed Cossack and he just...sounds like Telly Savalas and I love it because he's really in his own film here.

-- The train is clearly a model train in some shots and it only serves to make everything better

-- Model or no, this is a train full of characters, baby! These folks have all come aboard: 

-- a mad monk who pulls what we political pundits* call "a JD Vance" as he goes from denouncing the monster as Satanic to worshipping it

-- a couple of sheltered aristocrats who I bet are probably swingers

-- a hot international spy, who is just sort of a spy for no reason and it's the best

-- a doctor's assistant who strikes so many blows for women's rights and has the power of a good...mmm, three to four Julia Sugarbaker monoologues

-- I dig the "1906 science" of it all. Many autopsies are performed and we get many a dubious insight, like pee is stored in the balls memories are stored in brain wrinkles and visions are preserved in eye fluid.

-- Horror Express chugs through many a subgenre. It's a period piece structured like a slasher at times, it's a monster movie, it's a body-hopping sci-fi flick, it's got touches of an Agatha Christie-inspired mystery, it's got Hammer vibes, and it even busts out some zombies. Again, she is every woman!

-- Though this movie is clearly ludicrous, the cast plays it completely straight (even Savalas, in his Savalas-centric way) and it's the only reason why, as "out there" as it all is, it kinda works. 

Horror Express is simply theee perfect Saturday afternoon Creature Double Feature monster kid movie, and like me, you can cram that notion right into one of your brain wrinkles.

*people who read headlines

Invitation to Love (and a podcast)

I looked at the clock and realized it was high time to toss out a reminder about The Detective and the Log Lady, the weekly podcast about Twin Peaks that I'm co-hosting along with Mike Muncer of The Evolution of Horror. 

We're on the back half of the too-short season one, so it's not too late to catch up whether you are a Twin Peaks lover and veteran or a Twin Peaks lover and newbie like me. A new episode dropped today, so check it out on the EoH website or whatever podcast platform you enjoy most. Or least, if you're feeling spicy!

And yeah, I called myself a Twin Peaks lover because I am indeed loving it so far. Settling in for the week's episode is such a treat. The theme song kicks in, wraps me in its warm embrace, and I feel my cares and worries slip away (into the night). And I love that I get to pick it apart with Mike because man, there is so much to pick apart--and simply luxuriate in. This cast giving weird, spooky mystery one minute and delicious nightsoap the next is heaven, I tells ya. I am so happy to finally be getting into Twin Peaks and to talk about it, so do give a listen and subscribe if it sounds like your thing, too. And rate and review! It will help this little baby bird of a show get in front of more eyeballs and earholes.

Oh and if you've got questions and/or comments for us, you can email them to logladypodcast @ gmail.com. At the end of the season we're going to do a mailbag grabbag episodebag, so getcherself in there!

Oh OH and if you're looking for a board to discuss les Peaks and I guess the podcast, members of Mike's patreon (any level) can access discussion groups, both spoiler-filled and spoiler-free. 

You can also discuss it in any of the Twin Peaks-post-related comment sections here at Final Girl, but please keep it 10000% spoiler-free if you do. I have sealed myself away tighter than a jar of Howard Hughes's urine to protect myself from spoilers! (And from contrails and 5G but that's another story!)