Chilling Classics Cthursday: COVID (2025)

I thought I might be able to take a dip in the Mill Creek this week but it is not happening, I am sorry to say. I felt a bit better yesterday but I feel a bit worse today, and I know it's only been a couple of days but time has been very amorphous and I now fear I will be trapped in this forever. 

Time has been very amorphous because, you know, quarantine fugue. But it also owes to the fact that I am not engaging in usual home activities: movies, books, games. Besides reading two chapters of a book, literally the only thing I have done is watch Vanderpump Rules.

If you don't know, it's a Real Housewives spinoff that follows the lives of the young folk who work at the West Hollywood restaurant SUR, co-owned by Lisa Vanderpump, formerly of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It's been airing since 2013. 

I never indulged (though Housewives friends have long told me to) because what care I for the exploits of the young? Besides, knowing there are 11 seasons of it to catch up on is awfully intimidating. Well, something in my brain decided that the time was finally right, and while I am certainly not going to say I'm grateful for catching Covid, I will say that I am grateful to myself for using Covid as an excuse to indulge. It is magnificent.

So when I am not wandering aimlessly around my apartment or ordering more supplies, I am watching VPR. Time has not only been amorphous, it truly no longer has meaning. 

Here is a selfie of me between episodes, calling the grocery store to demand they SEND MORE ONIONS.

"Stacie," you are surely thinking, "We barely tolerate your Real Housewives asides, references, and blather. This tolerance will absolutely not extend to Vanderpump Rules, so please don't start."

Don't worry, I won't! I only mention this at all because check this out, it's relevant, I swear.

So in season 2, Tom Sandoval's band has a ~~big moment~~ opening for Martha Davis and The Motels at Lake Arrowhead, a mountain resort east of Los Angeles. What I was not expecting was this:

1) Yes, their band is called "Pierce the Arrow." No, I don't know what that means.

2) Yes, I took a vertical video of my TV in the moment! Leave me alone, I have Covid.

3) REGGIE BANNISTER??? On my Vanderpump Rules??? Introducing acts at Lake Arrowhead????? 

Well knock me over with a ponytail! 

It's the most random cameo of all time, surely. 

I love Phantasm so much. Like I don't know if I'd put in in my top 20 ever--maybe my top 50? But I do have such feelings for it, mostly because it scared the heccccckkkkk out of me as a youth, so badly that were I to watch it now, I'd probably still be a bit unsettled at least. I don't know how someone watching it for the first time today would feel about it, but for me it'll always be a bit of a nightmare.

Okay that's the update from Plague Central. This has wiped me out, back to the couch...and VPR. Fingers crossed an uncredited Lance Henriksen shows up in the background at SUR as the youths tear into one another over today's betrayal.

Just what the doctor ordered

There has been something "going around" my li'l city and reader, I have caught it! It is some version of A Cold, but I have not been sick in years (nail polish emoji) and this Cold on Steroids is whipping my ass something good. I am vaccinated (and masked) to the high heavens (or the high hells, depending on which news channels you watch) and I know this does not make me impervious like John Travolta as the boy in the plastic bubble in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, but it does add insult to this injury. The same goes for my "treatment plan," which includes mainlining my late gramma's patented home remedy: onion sandwiches. (Great at driving away germs and paramours alike!) They ain't done shit except inflate my onion budget more than is reasonable!

(Edited to add: I tested negative on Friday but after noticing an actual fever I tried again a bit ago for funsies and sure enough, at long last I have finally been caught in Miss Covid's evil web. Fuck this shit! I'm so annoyed. Perhaps this--and only this, surely!--is the reason those onion sandwiches are failing in their duty.)

Last night, I sat upon my couch all wrapped up and a-wondering what to do with my time. I've been too tired to stay awake, too messed up to sleep; freezing cold and burning up simultaneously; trying to think with a head full of cotton wool and prone to bouts of vertigo. And then, in this time of trouble, Mother Tubi came to me, speaking words of wisdom:

Howzabout an early-aughties made-for-cable horror film that reunites LA Law alums Harry Hamlin and Susan Dey?

So I said sign me the eff UP and gave Disappearance (2002) a whirl and you know what? Mother Tubi never misses. 

I fully cop to the fact that all the onion fumes floating around my apartment may have influenced my already illness-addled brain, but I was so into this movie. Then again, it was written and directed by Walter Klenhard, who also wrote an directed another of my favorite made-for-TV thrillers (Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear starring Josie Bissett of television's Melrose Place) so chances are it literally is just that good.

Pater Harry Hamlin and step-mater Susan Dey are hauling the kids through the Nevada desert for a little family bonding time. They make a stop at a time-honored horror movie location: the dusty gas station with a vaguely menacing attendant, then have some lunch at another time-honored horror movie location: the dusty diner full of flies and sun-burnt weirdos. They are in search of a town called Weaver, a long-abandoned mining village that is no longer shown on maps. In an unexpected twist, the sun-burnt weirdos deny they've ever heard of this "Weaver," never mind that it used to exist.

But this doesn't stop our family, who fires up their brand-new Ford Excursion™ (this shit must have been sponsored by Ford, I swear, it feels like a commercial for the Excursion™ at times) and head down a long, dusty road deep into the desert--despite being warned to "stick to the roads, lads pavement." 

Why stick to the pavement when the Ford Excursion™ can handle any tough terrain

Sure enough, they eventually find Weaver, which indeed seems to be a tiny ghost town. They explore a bit, taking photos of musty, dusty buildings while noting that it's like all the people who live there...wait for it...disappeared. You know, food left on the tables, calendars from the 1940s, etc. They also find some footage that gives us a wee found footage moment of previous visitors to Weaver being pursued by someone...or something, dun dun dunnn.

Spooked, they go to leave but their Ford Excursion™ won't start. They stay the night in one of the buildings and I will admit: It was my turn to be spooked. In the middle of the night, Harry Hamlin grabs a flashlight and heads upstairs to investigate a noise down a dark hallway and it was a surprisingly effective sequence. I've said it time and time again, noises in the dark are all I really need for a horror movie to scare me and dagummit this worked. 

The next morning, the Ford Excursion™ is missing altogether. Was it stolen by a someone...or something? The group splits up, and Harry Hamlin and A Boy take off across the desert, hoping to find help back at the dusty diner. Things get a little weird from here with more and more added to the mystery. Susan Dey falls down into a mineshaft and is pursued by someone...or something: We get a lot of heavy breathing and POV shots, but we never see what exactly it is. A Boy disappears after cresting a sand dune. There's a rundown cemetery that looks like the one outside Goodsprings in Fallout: New Vegas but there are fresh graves. The dusty town clearly has a secret, so I just kept falling deeper and deeper under Disappearance's spell.

Ultimately there are a bunch of theories as to what is what. 

Is the mutated offspring of neutron bomb testing site victims living under Weaver like some kind of southwestern CHUDs? (Side note, in the pits of this grippe I can totally hear a commercial now, boasting that we should "Come try our brand-new southwestern CHUD sauce, only during 2-for-1 Fiesta Days at Applebee's!") 

Is it the ol' "haunted ancient Indian burial ground" gag? (That is literally what they call it, so don't @ me!)

Is it aliens?

In the end, I don't think it makes a lick of sense. But 1) Maybe my soft-n-silky smooth sickness brain simply couldn't parse what was going on, and 2) Whether it made any sense or not, I do not care.

Because I had a great time! The tropes at work, as well as a passing nod to The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, mean it hits many a-beat you've heard before but you know what? That's okay In fact, that's more than okay when you are feeling like CHUD crud. Tropes? Susan Dey? Harry Hamlin? A Town with a Secret? That is pure comfort, a better balm than even onion sandwiches sorry, gramma) or the freedom and safety you feel while driving a Ford Excursion™. As always, Mother Tubi knows best.

Hot for Horror's Hot Babes

At the risk of sounding like Garfield: Mondays, amirite? Who needs 'em. Where's my lasagna lmao. Well, to brighten up this grey and gloomy Monday, I thought for a bit about all things Amityville. Now to be fair, I think about all things Amityville no matter the day, no matter the weather! But today I got to thinking about James Brolin and Margot Kidder in the 1979 film and what a hot babe couple they made. Then I thought...hmm, what about some other hot babe couples in horror movies? And that is how this list you are about to see came to be here, a list called Hot Babe Couples in Horror Movies.

Are they ranked? No! They are all tied for #1. Is this definitive? Who cares! They are the couples I immediately thought of. You are welcome to cite any other hot babe couples in horror movies. Viva les lists! 

HOT BABE COUPLES IN HORROR MOVIES

GEORGE AND KATHY LUTZ IN THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979)

If someone makes a movie about my fake paranormal experiences, I can only hope that I will be portrayed by someone as hot as Margot Kidder or James Brolin at the height of their hot powers.

ALISON PARKER AND MICHAEL LERMAN IN THE SENTINEL (1977)

Chris Sarandon and Cristina Raines really put the hot in this hot mess of a movie!

MARGARET WALSH AND PETE DANNER IN THE LEGACY (1978)

I love The Legacy perhaps more than it deserves. But even if I didn't, I'd watch it anyway just for the sweatered-up romance between real life couple Sam Elliott and Katharine Ross.

PICKETT SMITH AND KAREN CROCKETT IN FROGS (1972)

They only knew each other for like fifteen minutes before the frogs took over the Crockett compound, but no matter. Sam Elliott without his moustache? Also no matter. Look at those babes!

SUSIE BANNION AND SARA SIMMS IN SUSPIRIA (2018)

I keep hoping their story will play out differently, but no matter how many times I watch this movie it never does. Huh, weird.

RHONDA JOHNSON AND HER OVERSIZED NOVELTY SAFETY PIN IN KILLER WORKOUT (1987)

The couple that slays together, etc etc. I know I said this list wasn't a ranking, but let's be real. None of the other couples can compete. The tanning bed wasn't the only time Rhonda was sizzling!

JESS AND PETER IN BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)

So toxic! So violent! So...babes!

BOB AND LYNDA IN HALLOWEEN (1978)

Every slasher movie with a Final Girl needs at least one Not Final Girl, and boy oh boy is Lynda a Not Final Girl. She hates school but loves Doing It, two qualities that rarely let a woman survive until the end credits roll. I love her. And I love Bob, who shows up in the film solely to screw and get killed.

RED AND DUANE IN PSYCHO III (1986)

What are they doing! Absolutely bonkers and so sleazy I caught crabs just looking at those screencaps.

KURT BARLOW AND RICHARD STRAKER IN SALEM'S LOT (1979)

You heard me! If Mr. Barlow didn't have that whole "vampire" issue, these two would be running an antiques shop together and dishing with Paul Lynde out in Palm Springs. For real though, Salem's Lot is...really something when it comes to gay shit. Whilst reading, I downed a shot of Franzia every time a character uttered a slur or said something hateful in the novel and I've been dead for decades.

Okay, I just thought of, like, four more couples that I didn't include. Sigh. Mondays, amirite?

SHOCKtober: 10-1

*drumrolldrumrolldrumroll* It's time! It's finally time! So pull up your pants (or pull them down, if you prefer) and brace yourself for your SHOCKtober 2024 Top 10 favorite horror films! Yes, ackshully tecknikly there are four movies tied for third so their order is just made up, but that's how we do it here in Stately Final Girl Manor. The number of votes each film received is in bold.

10. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999, Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sánchez) -- 40

9. BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974, Bob Clark) -- 40

8. THE DESCENT (2005, Neil Marshall) -- 42

7. THE WITCH (2015, Robert Eggers) -- 45

6. SUSPIRIA (2018, Luca Guadagnino) -- 49

5. SCREAM (1996, Wes Craven) -- 49

4. HALLOWEEN (1978, John Carpenter) -- 49

3. ALIEN (1979, Ridley Scott) -- 49

2. THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (1974, Tobe Hooper) -- 52

1. THE THING (1982, John Carpenter) -- 62

SHE DID IT! SHE FINALLY DID IT! After spending three SHOCKtobers in the #2 spot, The Thing has scuttled far and away with the title this time around. Please, a round of awed, reverent applause for Miss SHOCKtobra 2024!

I'm so happy for her, she is truly the Susan Lucci of horror movies. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre made a huge leap, perhaps fueled by its 50th anniversary this year? Suspiria (2018) coming in at ackshully tecknikly 3rd is not as far a fall as I was anticipating...I guess you guys really like it?? Hmm, we shall see how all of these hold up in the future. Very exciting! I love SHOCKtober! I can't believe it's already SHOCKtover. I'll be back soon with a li'l wrap-up thingy and a link to the downloadable mega-list whenever I figure out how to do that. For now though, I'm gonna untie myself from this fucking couch!

SHOCKtober: 20-11

Le Top 20 begins! The bold number is the number of votes each film received. How are movies that received the same number of votes ranked and not tied? That's none of my business! Let the historians figure it out when this blog is unearthed 50 years from now.

20. The Cabin in the Woods (2011, Drew Goddard) -- 23

19. It Follows (2014, David Robert Mitchell) -- 24

18. The Silence of the Lambs (1991, Jonathan Demme) -- 26

17. The Haunting (1963, Robert Wise) -- 26

16. The Exorcist (1973, William Friedkin) -- 30

15. The Wicker Man (1973, Robin Hardy) -- 31

14. Rosemary's Baby (1968, Roman Polanski) -- 31

13. Hereditary (2018, Ari Aster) -- 32

12. Suspiria (1977, Dario Argento) -- 35

11. The Shining (1980, Stanley Kubrick) -- 39

Interesting, interesting! A few moved up and hit the Top 20 for the first time while others are...exactly where they placed in 2020 (it always freaks me out when that happens). Even though many of them received roughly the same number of votes, placements vary quite a bit as there were way more voters overall in 2020 (haranguing people on a weekly podcast nets results!). In the interests of science, here is where each of these films ranked in that SHOCKtober of yore:

• The Cabin in the Woods -- #39, 24 votes
• It Follows -- #24, 32 votes
• The Silence of the Lambs -- #23, 32 votes
• The Haunting -- #20, 39 votes
• The Exorcist -- #17, 42 votes
• The Wicker Man -- #22, 32 votes
• Rosemary's Baby -- #12, 50 votes
• Hereditary -- #13, 50 votes
• Suspiria (1977) -- #14, 46 votes
• The Shining -- #5, 64 votes

Candyman, Carrie, Midsommar, and A Nightmare on Elm Street were in the 20-11 range in 2020 but dropped out of the Top 20 this time.

Well, we shall meet back here tomorrow to find out who will be named Miss SHOCKtobra 2024! I can't wait. Until then, I leave you with this, from a reader on Suspiria '77: "I once took LSD and watched Suspiria. 10/10, would do again if I wasn’t middle aged and afraid I might die."

SHOCKtober: 44-21

We've got more than 700 horror movies in our rear window (including #624, Rear Window), but today's the day we stop being polite and start getting real--by which I mean the I'll be adding the number of votes each film received in bold.

44. Sleepaway Camp -- 1983, Robert Hiltzik -- 13

43. Possession -- 1981, Andrzej Zulawski -- 13

42. Noroi: The Curse -- 2005, Kôji Shiraishi -- 13

41. Invasion of the Body Snatchers -- 1978, Philip Kaufman -- 13

40. Dawn of the Dead -- 1978, George A. Romero -- 13

39. Us -- 2019, Jordan Peele -- 14 

38. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me -- 1992, David Lynch -- 14

37. Poltergeist -- 1982, Tobe Hooper -- 14

36. Let the Right One In -- 2008, Tomas Alfredson -- 14

35. The Return of the Living Dead -- 1985, Dan O'Bannon -- 15

34. Hellraiser -- 1987, Clive Barker -- 15

33. Get Out -- 2017, Jordan Peele -- 16

32. Friday the 13th -- 1980, Sean S. Cunningham -- 16

31. Evil Dead II -- 1987, Sam Raimi -- 17

30. Carnival of Souls -- 1962, Herk Harvey -- 18

29. An American Werewolf in London -- 1981, John Landis -- 18

28. A Nightmare on Elm Street -- 1984, Wes Craven -- 20

27. Psycho -- 1960, Alfred Hitchcock -- 21

26. The Fog -- 1980, John Carpenter -- 22

25. Midsommar -- 2019, Ari Aster -- 22

24. Jaws -- 1975, Steven Spielberg -- 22

23. Candyman -- 1992, Bernard Rose -- 22

22. Night of the Living Dead -- 1968, George A. Romero -- 23

21. Carrie -- 1976, Brian De Palma -- 23

• Noroi, another movie that is pretty easily accessible at long last. I love the way it's structured--it really takes its time laying out all sorts of disparate threads and plotlines, only for them all to come together satisfyingly (and terrifyingly). One of the greatest found footage films.
• A reader on Jaws: "I love Ellen Brody screaming at her kids to listen to their father and get out of the boat only after seeing a picture of a shark obliterating a similar boat."
• Herk Harvey had such an interesting career, directing a shitton of educational/PSA shorts and then oh, fucking all-time classic Carnival of Souls (wherein he also starred as the head ghoul guy).
• A reader on Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, WHICH PLEASE NOTE I HAVE NOT SEEN YET AND I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT AND I AM DYING TO SEE BUT WE WILL NOT COVER IT UNTIL, LIKE, FEBRUARY ON THE PODCAST AND THE WAIT IS EXCRUCIATING I CAN'T WAIT: "I feel more awe than affection for this one. I watched and liked the series (I was 19 when it first ran) but disliked Wild at Heart because it seemed loud and empty - like Lynch was trying too hard to solidify his brand as Mr. Weird.  This film’s opening section with the FBI agents seemed like more of the same, but once the setting changed to Twin Peaks it turned into the most disturbing experience I’ve ever had watching a film. Only a few other individual scenes from other movies have matched it – Club Silencio in Mulholland Dr., for example, or the moment in Martyrs when we discover who has been pursuing Lucie through the early part of the film. 32 years later, I still haven't given this a second viewing."
• I figured that all the votes for Psycho were about the eeeelite song from K-pop's own Red Velvet, but I guess the votes were actually for some movie...? Huh.

• Tomorrow, le Top 20 begins! Try to get some sleep tonight, it'll be a big day!

SHOCKtober: 68-45

You know what, I'm just gonna shut up and get outta the way because man, we got nothin' but bangers today. It's kind of been that way every day, but today, wow. Okay, shutting up now. Let's get to it with movies that are perfect ten vote getters. 

68. Raw -- 2016, Julia Ducournau

67. Pulse (aka Kairo) -- 2001, Kiyoshi Kurosawa

66. Mullholland Dr. -- 2001, David Lynch

65. Don't Look Now -- 1973, Nicolas Roeg

Time to crank it up to films that received eleven votes each:

64. The House of the Devil -- 2009, Ti West

63. The Evil Dead -- 1981, Sam Raimi

62. REC -- 2007, Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza

61. Messiah of Evil -- 1974, Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz

60. Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II -- 1987, Bruce Pittman

59. Ghostwatch -- 1992, Lesley Manning

58. Fright Night -- 1985, Tom Holland

57. The Exorcist III -- 1990, William Peter Blatty

56. Deep Red (aka Profondo rosso) -- 1975, Dario Argento

55. Daughters of Darkness -- 1971, Harry Kümel

54. Cat People -- 1942, Jacques Tourneur

53. Bride of Frankenstein -- 1935, James Whale

52. Barbarian -- 2022, Zach Cregger

51. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors -- 1987, Chuck Russell 

50. 28 Days Later -- 2002, Danny Boyle

Ooh, now it's time for twelve not-angry...vote-receiving...movies...............

  

49. Train to Busan -- 2016, Yeon Sang-ho 

48. House (aka Hausu) -- 1977, Nobuhiko Ôbayashi

47. Halloween III: Season of the Witch -- 1982, Tommy Lee Wallace

13 votes each! Spooky!

  

46. Trick 'r Treat -- 2007, Michael Dougherty

45. The Fly -- 1986, David Cronenberg

• Pulse is terrifying, depressing, prescient...its 20th Anniversary passed during the pandemic and I wrote a feature for Rue Morgue celebrating it and tying it to that particular time. One of my favorite things I've written, I won't lie!
• Awww yeah Messiah of motherfucking Evil!! I will continue to spread my Messiah of Evil agenda forever.
• A reader on The Evil Dead: "Bunch of us cousins would rent this every Christmas when I was a pre-teen/teen. Every time I watch I think of Christmas with the family."
• I love those kinds of ties we get with specific horror movies. When I think of The Evil Dead, I think of the friend I watched it with who made me take the tape out of the VCR when it was over--she didn't want to touch it because she was sure it was cursed.
• Barbarian was a late late night random "eh, why not throw this on" flick and hot dang what a flick it was! Loved it.
• A reader on The Exorcist III: "Kinderman talking about the carp in his bathtub plays on a perpetual loop deep in the recesses of my brain." 
• It's great that Ghostwatch is so readily available now (I only saw it Back in the (Relative) Day because of the wonders that having a region-free DVD player can bring) and it still holds up so well, even if you know...you know. But wow, what it must have been to see it Back in the (Actual) Day and not know. You know?